As of April 30, 2011, I will no longer bear the name that I have for my entire life. I will join my life with his and we will move forward together, sharing a life.
He is amazing. I am happier than I thought I could be in a relationship.
I will be moving to South Carolina - jumping off a cliff, financially - to spend the rest of my life with this man.
Despite the financial instability, there is no fear and no doubt.
Waiting for this is the most peaceful impatience I've ever experienced.
Monday, November 15, 2010
Saturday, September 11, 2010
staging
Well, nothing's ever perfect - right? And sometimes things just fall apart and sometimes they don't and sometimes it seems like that's exactly what's happening, but it's really a mirage - buildings burning in your imagination when in reality it's all just smoke and mirrors.
Smoke and mirrors...sometimes I wonder if I fashion illusions for myself based upon what I want to see, what I want to think and feel and believe. If I'm willing to accept and believe things I should be wary of, because I'm thirsty for a reality that does not, and will never, exist.
Overly dramatic - grease paint and maudlin sentiments and I've tricked myself into believing I'm trapped inside a theater of the absurd where chiffon got draped over the spotlight and now the entire wretched affair is alight with flames. It's not that bad - nothing's wrong, nothing's right, and in my mind's eye I've created a tragedy.
So which direction, which illusion, to believe? Which is reality, and which is fantasy? Neither, both, a combination of the two most likely. Beset by my own confusions and wonderings, I find that I do not know if I have the strength or desire to triangulate on the truth tonight.
Smoke and mirrors...sometimes I wonder if I fashion illusions for myself based upon what I want to see, what I want to think and feel and believe. If I'm willing to accept and believe things I should be wary of, because I'm thirsty for a reality that does not, and will never, exist.
Overly dramatic - grease paint and maudlin sentiments and I've tricked myself into believing I'm trapped inside a theater of the absurd where chiffon got draped over the spotlight and now the entire wretched affair is alight with flames. It's not that bad - nothing's wrong, nothing's right, and in my mind's eye I've created a tragedy.
So which direction, which illusion, to believe? Which is reality, and which is fantasy? Neither, both, a combination of the two most likely. Beset by my own confusions and wonderings, I find that I do not know if I have the strength or desire to triangulate on the truth tonight.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
ruminations
I have stopped wondering, stopped worrying, and stopped doubting.
The only unhappiness now is my desperation to leave New England and make my way down South. I've applied for positions within and without my company and am impatiently waiting to hear back.
The only unhappiness now is my desperation to leave New England and make my way down South. I've applied for positions within and without my company and am impatiently waiting to hear back.
Saturday, August 28, 2010
It's not that I don't want to be happy - I do. It's just that there's always so much trepidation on my part.
Do I believe that he loves me? Yes. Do I believe he means the things he says? Yes. Do I believe that will last? I have no earthly idea. I want to believe it, but I have a hard time of doing so.
Just because someone needs to fall apart sometimes doesn't mean they are a weak person.
He and I have differing views on some things which are important to me, and to him. I honestly don't know if it's enough to break us - our views aren't so very different in most things, but there are a few things that...I don't know if I can agree with him on.
I love him; more than I thought I had it in me to love someone anymore. I want to move forward - for us to build a life together. I'm just sometimes afraid that we might not make it that far.
Sometimes, I'm as sure of it as I am that gravity exists. Sometimes, I couldn't say for sure.
Do I believe that he loves me? Yes. Do I believe he means the things he says? Yes. Do I believe that will last? I have no earthly idea. I want to believe it, but I have a hard time of doing so.
Just because someone needs to fall apart sometimes doesn't mean they are a weak person.
He and I have differing views on some things which are important to me, and to him. I honestly don't know if it's enough to break us - our views aren't so very different in most things, but there are a few things that...I don't know if I can agree with him on.
I love him; more than I thought I had it in me to love someone anymore. I want to move forward - for us to build a life together. I'm just sometimes afraid that we might not make it that far.
Sometimes, I'm as sure of it as I am that gravity exists. Sometimes, I couldn't say for sure.
Friday, July 23, 2010
evolution
I know it sounds silly...ridiculous...but I haven't felt this...settled, and truly comfortable with someone in ages, if ever. Probably ever.
He includes me in his life; really includes me. Despite the 800 miles of distance between us, I feel closer to him than to anyone I've dated.
Being with him is easy, effortless. I'm included in his life to an extent I find somewhat astonishing, given my past relationships.
I know it sounds silly, but it's the small things that take me by surprise. He recently included me in one of the group emails (his social group is big on group emails to keep everyone in the loop) that was particularly funny, and seeing this, his brother-in-law includes me on the group emails about this winter's ski trip, as if there is no question that I'll be attending.
I don't know how to word this in ways that don't sound trivial or meaningless or strange.
I don't know if it matters that I can't. It's something indefinable.
He includes me in his life; really includes me. Despite the 800 miles of distance between us, I feel closer to him than to anyone I've dated.
Being with him is easy, effortless. I'm included in his life to an extent I find somewhat astonishing, given my past relationships.
I know it sounds silly, but it's the small things that take me by surprise. He recently included me in one of the group emails (his social group is big on group emails to keep everyone in the loop) that was particularly funny, and seeing this, his brother-in-law includes me on the group emails about this winter's ski trip, as if there is no question that I'll be attending.
I don't know how to word this in ways that don't sound trivial or meaningless or strange.
I don't know if it matters that I can't. It's something indefinable.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
lesson
I am slowly learning patience. This is not a lesson I enjoy; in fact it's something I wish I did not have to learn at all.
I waver back and forth - a year, or push it and try to do this faster. I know it will most likely end up being at least a year, but I really wish that wasn't the case. I've never been terribly good at simply waiting, and biding my time and knowing that something will come, something will happen. This is no exception.
Even when I push as hard as I can, he manages to bring me back of my own free will. I don't understand it, and it amazes me, to be honest. Not that it's not a good thing - just that it's unusual.
Oddly, I do not hate the work I do - I hate the work environment. If my department were to change, I would potentially even enjoy it. As it is, I am trying to make the best of a less than stellar situation, and work hard to be able to transfer to another department, and potentially kill two birds with one stone - transfer and relocate - new job, new state, same company. That, ultimately, would be ideal.
I have nothing new to discuss, even with myself. Life has blended itself back into grey and it's fine for the time being. I am neither miserable nor ecstatic. In some ways I am incredibly happy, in others I am so frustrated and unhappy that the dichotomy of feeling all of this at the same time is quite...unusual, I suppose. It wears me down, and I find myself tired more frequently than not, lately.
Such, I suppose, is the way of the beginning of mid-life. If you want to call the "venerable" age of 30 mid-life.
I really don't - I still feel like I'm in my adolescence.
I waver back and forth - a year, or push it and try to do this faster. I know it will most likely end up being at least a year, but I really wish that wasn't the case. I've never been terribly good at simply waiting, and biding my time and knowing that something will come, something will happen. This is no exception.
Even when I push as hard as I can, he manages to bring me back of my own free will. I don't understand it, and it amazes me, to be honest. Not that it's not a good thing - just that it's unusual.
Oddly, I do not hate the work I do - I hate the work environment. If my department were to change, I would potentially even enjoy it. As it is, I am trying to make the best of a less than stellar situation, and work hard to be able to transfer to another department, and potentially kill two birds with one stone - transfer and relocate - new job, new state, same company. That, ultimately, would be ideal.
I have nothing new to discuss, even with myself. Life has blended itself back into grey and it's fine for the time being. I am neither miserable nor ecstatic. In some ways I am incredibly happy, in others I am so frustrated and unhappy that the dichotomy of feeling all of this at the same time is quite...unusual, I suppose. It wears me down, and I find myself tired more frequently than not, lately.
Such, I suppose, is the way of the beginning of mid-life. If you want to call the "venerable" age of 30 mid-life.
I really don't - I still feel like I'm in my adolescence.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
cold
Everything is wrong today, and I can't explain any of it. I want to crawl back to the safe, quiet comfort of my bed and sleep until everything in this world has ended. My eyes burn and my head aches; my heart inexplicably joins the clamor and discomfort. There is no damnation, no redemption - no ascent or descent; only this numbing, burning greyness. It does not matter what tomorrow brings or does not bring. Tomorrow could bring perfection and nothing inside of me is convinced I would feel any differently.
I doubt that even he will be able to scratch the surface - make any impression or indentation in the wall of ice that is shooting up to encompass my existence, to reach over my head, forming a dome into which none can reach - nor do I wish them to. Inside, I remain alone - imperfect, yearning, cold, and hurting for reasons I cannot articulate or fully understand. I do not wish to let anyone or anything inside with me; I want nothing more than silence and peace and blessed sleep.
Part of me recognizes that I should feel worried or perhaps uneasy about the fact that I simply want to cut off everything and everyone, but I cannot muster the energy to do so. Cannot feel bad that I am silent, withdrawn, uncaring. I want to wish things were different, but that is as close as I can manage to any semblance of caring, and it is a distant echo, at best.
I doubt that even he will be able to scratch the surface - make any impression or indentation in the wall of ice that is shooting up to encompass my existence, to reach over my head, forming a dome into which none can reach - nor do I wish them to. Inside, I remain alone - imperfect, yearning, cold, and hurting for reasons I cannot articulate or fully understand. I do not wish to let anyone or anything inside with me; I want nothing more than silence and peace and blessed sleep.
Part of me recognizes that I should feel worried or perhaps uneasy about the fact that I simply want to cut off everything and everyone, but I cannot muster the energy to do so. Cannot feel bad that I am silent, withdrawn, uncaring. I want to wish things were different, but that is as close as I can manage to any semblance of caring, and it is a distant echo, at best.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
burn
Today I am sinking and burning simultaneously. Tomorrow evening will bring relief - for now, patience is something I lack in entirety.
Vascillation between calm and confident patience and despairing impatience. My moods change daily, hourly, minute to minute. Underneath, a strong sense of confidence and calm; occasionally disturbed, but underlying and stronger than to entirely be swept aside by the currents of the shallow moment to moment state of emotions in which I normally find myself.
There are too many minutes between now and then - I will not falter, but the impatience races through my veins like a drug, burning as it does so.
Vascillation between calm and confident patience and despairing impatience. My moods change daily, hourly, minute to minute. Underneath, a strong sense of confidence and calm; occasionally disturbed, but underlying and stronger than to entirely be swept aside by the currents of the shallow moment to moment state of emotions in which I normally find myself.
There are too many minutes between now and then - I will not falter, but the impatience races through my veins like a drug, burning as it does so.
Monday, May 24, 2010
"Have faith"
"Have faith," she tells me, and as much as it grates sometimes - scrapes along the edges of my nerves and ignites my frustration, it usually turns out that she's right. These are not wordsshe has oft spoken until recently - the last few years have brought about this belief - this faith. That if you have faith and trust, things will work for the best.
I am not practiced or terribly able with this - faith is new to me. I am, if not a pessimist, most certainly a realist. However, the more I trust, the more I find she is right. The problems and obstacles begin to be brushed aside as if in answer to my desperation and prayers. Not simply cleared aside, but eased; lessened enough to allow me to shoulder them and continue onward.
It saddens me, a bit, to feel that something I cherished has ended - or ended for now, because who knows what the future holds - but I realize it is the best thing for me; it is the healthiest thing for me. It's what I need to have happen so that I can move forward, gather my life together and remain as committed to the future we hope for with an easy and clear heart.
People change, and sometimes you need to let them leave your life.
And then there are people who change and are ready to become part of your life, and step forward to let you know.
Both have happened to me in the past few months. The first is exponentially more difficult than the second, but I'm trying to learn and understand it.
This was not what I intended to write - what I intended to write was that I am finding that the more faith I have, the more reasons I find to have it.
I am not practiced or terribly able with this - faith is new to me. I am, if not a pessimist, most certainly a realist. However, the more I trust, the more I find she is right. The problems and obstacles begin to be brushed aside as if in answer to my desperation and prayers. Not simply cleared aside, but eased; lessened enough to allow me to shoulder them and continue onward.
It saddens me, a bit, to feel that something I cherished has ended - or ended for now, because who knows what the future holds - but I realize it is the best thing for me; it is the healthiest thing for me. It's what I need to have happen so that I can move forward, gather my life together and remain as committed to the future we hope for with an easy and clear heart.
People change, and sometimes you need to let them leave your life.
And then there are people who change and are ready to become part of your life, and step forward to let you know.
Both have happened to me in the past few months. The first is exponentially more difficult than the second, but I'm trying to learn and understand it.
This was not what I intended to write - what I intended to write was that I am finding that the more faith I have, the more reasons I find to have it.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
The time has come to talk of many things...
The time has come to set aside those things which do not make me happy. To realize and understand that sometimes time is needed to make things better, and there's nothing that can be done to change that.
To realize that the happiness I feel is actually real - that this is actually real, and not some sort of daydream; not something to get me through and make me feel better. That this person exists and is everything I thought he was, and that he sees through the past and the walls I throw up and sees...me. As I am, and for who and what I am - with no false expectations or ideals. I am not on a pedestal, and neither is he. We stand on even ground, facing one another and realizing that this will not be easy but that we are both committed to it, to each other.
To realize that the happiness I feel is actually real - that this is actually real, and not some sort of daydream; not something to get me through and make me feel better. That this person exists and is everything I thought he was, and that he sees through the past and the walls I throw up and sees...me. As I am, and for who and what I am - with no false expectations or ideals. I am not on a pedestal, and neither is he. We stand on even ground, facing one another and realizing that this will not be easy but that we are both committed to it, to each other.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
chasm
How in the world are we supposed to make this work?
Today, I am feeling defeated. Time, I can deal with - because I know it will pass. But this...aside from the time it will take to be ready, the lack of feasible employment in the area is truly and depressingly worrisome. How can I ever make this work - how will I manage to find something suitable?
Today, the distance stretches out in front of me like a chasm which I have not the means (now or in the future) to cross.
Today, I am feeling defeated. Time, I can deal with - because I know it will pass. But this...aside from the time it will take to be ready, the lack of feasible employment in the area is truly and depressingly worrisome. How can I ever make this work - how will I manage to find something suitable?
Today, the distance stretches out in front of me like a chasm which I have not the means (now or in the future) to cross.
Monday, May 10, 2010
waiting game
I hate feeling helpless - unable to change the course or direction that things will take. I have no choice in the matter - no acceptable alternative than to continue along this path, and await its conclusion.
I am currently stuck in a catch-22. Money keeps me tied to my current position and geographical location; my current location is one of the most expensive in the nation - if I lived somewhere less expensive, I could afford to make less. However, current debts prevent me from relocating until they are paid off - which is difficult to do, even taking into account my current level of income. If I lived somewhere more affordable, I could pay them off more quickly, but I'd also be making less money which would impinge my ability to do so.
I do not wish to continue living here. I do not wish to stay in my current position. My current residence is more expensive than I can afford, but I made a promise I would live here to someone I do not wish to disappoint. Additionally, I cannot guarantee that if I lived somewhere else, within the same basic geographical area, that it would be much less expensive than where I am now.
It will most likely be a year to two years before I can move to where I wish to be. I know he'll wait; I know I'll wait. The time weighs on me; not unbearably, but in a manner that causes me to feel utterly helpless - unable to move forward, and disliking the feeling of treading water.
I fear that a year will slide into two and drift into three and eventually there will be nothing left to hold on to; nothing left to wait for. I know better, but it still causes consternation. I have never been the most patient person; now is no different, except that I know I must take care of things here before I move on to the next step. I simply hate having to wait to do so.
I am currently stuck in a catch-22. Money keeps me tied to my current position and geographical location; my current location is one of the most expensive in the nation - if I lived somewhere less expensive, I could afford to make less. However, current debts prevent me from relocating until they are paid off - which is difficult to do, even taking into account my current level of income. If I lived somewhere more affordable, I could pay them off more quickly, but I'd also be making less money which would impinge my ability to do so.
I do not wish to continue living here. I do not wish to stay in my current position. My current residence is more expensive than I can afford, but I made a promise I would live here to someone I do not wish to disappoint. Additionally, I cannot guarantee that if I lived somewhere else, within the same basic geographical area, that it would be much less expensive than where I am now.
It will most likely be a year to two years before I can move to where I wish to be. I know he'll wait; I know I'll wait. The time weighs on me; not unbearably, but in a manner that causes me to feel utterly helpless - unable to move forward, and disliking the feeling of treading water.
I fear that a year will slide into two and drift into three and eventually there will be nothing left to hold on to; nothing left to wait for. I know better, but it still causes consternation. I have never been the most patient person; now is no different, except that I know I must take care of things here before I move on to the next step. I simply hate having to wait to do so.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Waiting...
Today, time stretches out ahead of me depressingly. Time until I get out of work, time until I'm done at the gym, time until we talk. Time until I can finally leave this job, time until I can relocate to somewhere I want to be, time until we see if this will work out between us.
It is strange how easy it can be to become so wrapped up in someone else; especially when they are enticingly beautiful in a way you haven't experienced before.
I am still well aware of myself, and attending to the things that are important to me - I try to make time to do things I might not have before; trying to keep from losing myself entirely. There is no denying, on either side, that there are thoughts of the future, although it is far too early to discuss them or truly consider them as truly a possibility. This doesn't stop the desire to do so - doesn't keep me from wanting to let go and fall.
I think the hardest part is we've known each other for several years - there's always been something there; I could never view him as simply a friend, and vice versa, although we tried. And now, with that history behind us, I think we both feel propelled forward more quickly than we otherwise would.
In other, entirely different news, as much as I dislike being back at work, it's nice to know there are those who are glad I'm back. If only I could muster some level of enthusiasm for the job, I think I could slowly become happier here - at least in the interim. Until the day I can start searching for a place and a position somewhere I wish to be.
And on a much, much geekier level - the StarCraft 2 Beta is amazing thus far. Despite my current league level, I'm enjoying it; and I'll fight my way up the ranks as soon as I master some of the strats that are out there. I find that as I get older, I become more of a gamer, rather than less of one. I also find that I'm able to balance my life out better - work, gym, starting my jewelry business, gaming, family, him. Luckily, I can combine the time I spend with him with my gaming, and we're both quite happy to do so. While it still occasionally becomes overwhelming, I realize that the balance is key - not devoting my time entirely to any one endeavor. The only downside is that I've slipped back to slightly under 6 hours of sleep per night, save for weekends. Those first three hours in the morning are hell until the caffeine kicks in.
Life...is worth the effort, worth living. I did not believe it this spring; I could not bring myself to want to draw the next breath, and did so only out of habit and instinct. Now, I have a hard time looking back, and realizing how close I was to throwing it all away. Realizing that there would have been none of the beauty of the last two months. I can still understand what it felt like, what it was like to want that; I sometimes fear I will fall back there, and there will be no escaping it; no realization that it will be better in the future.
For now, though...I am content - happy in my personal life, not actively unhappy at work. There is something of strength and beauty that sustains me.
He never fails to say words which make me breathless. To acknowledge that this is real, and strong, and that it is worth fighting and working for. It is not the only thing that makes life beautiful, but it is the thing that enhances my days and makes things more vibrant.
"Fading of the day
as night takes over
and I can almost feelyou here
Your memory remains
I breath it closer
I swear that I still feel you near
The cool wind is taking over
it’s taking over
So far away
you’re gone so long
ohh and I’m waiting
Till that dayI take you home
know that I’m waiting
know that I’m waiting
know that I’m waiting
Haunted by your grace
you know I’m falling
so cool without you
always in my mind
I hear you calling" - Dash Berlin, "Waiting"
It is strange how easy it can be to become so wrapped up in someone else; especially when they are enticingly beautiful in a way you haven't experienced before.
I am still well aware of myself, and attending to the things that are important to me - I try to make time to do things I might not have before; trying to keep from losing myself entirely. There is no denying, on either side, that there are thoughts of the future, although it is far too early to discuss them or truly consider them as truly a possibility. This doesn't stop the desire to do so - doesn't keep me from wanting to let go and fall.
I think the hardest part is we've known each other for several years - there's always been something there; I could never view him as simply a friend, and vice versa, although we tried. And now, with that history behind us, I think we both feel propelled forward more quickly than we otherwise would.
In other, entirely different news, as much as I dislike being back at work, it's nice to know there are those who are glad I'm back. If only I could muster some level of enthusiasm for the job, I think I could slowly become happier here - at least in the interim. Until the day I can start searching for a place and a position somewhere I wish to be.
And on a much, much geekier level - the StarCraft 2 Beta is amazing thus far. Despite my current league level, I'm enjoying it; and I'll fight my way up the ranks as soon as I master some of the strats that are out there. I find that as I get older, I become more of a gamer, rather than less of one. I also find that I'm able to balance my life out better - work, gym, starting my jewelry business, gaming, family, him. Luckily, I can combine the time I spend with him with my gaming, and we're both quite happy to do so. While it still occasionally becomes overwhelming, I realize that the balance is key - not devoting my time entirely to any one endeavor. The only downside is that I've slipped back to slightly under 6 hours of sleep per night, save for weekends. Those first three hours in the morning are hell until the caffeine kicks in.
Life...is worth the effort, worth living. I did not believe it this spring; I could not bring myself to want to draw the next breath, and did so only out of habit and instinct. Now, I have a hard time looking back, and realizing how close I was to throwing it all away. Realizing that there would have been none of the beauty of the last two months. I can still understand what it felt like, what it was like to want that; I sometimes fear I will fall back there, and there will be no escaping it; no realization that it will be better in the future.
For now, though...I am content - happy in my personal life, not actively unhappy at work. There is something of strength and beauty that sustains me.
He never fails to say words which make me breathless. To acknowledge that this is real, and strong, and that it is worth fighting and working for. It is not the only thing that makes life beautiful, but it is the thing that enhances my days and makes things more vibrant.
"Fading of the day
as night takes over
and I can almost feelyou here
Your memory remains
I breath it closer
I swear that I still feel you near
The cool wind is taking over
it’s taking over
So far away
you’re gone so long
ohh and I’m waiting
Till that dayI take you home
know that I’m waiting
know that I’m waiting
know that I’m waiting
Haunted by your grace
you know I’m falling
so cool without you
always in my mind
I hear you calling" - Dash Berlin, "Waiting"
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
cooler heads prevail
I've agreed not to think about leaving just because I'm trying to save him from something. Going forward, I'll discuss it with him, not run. Without physical touch or presence, he brought me back to him last night with a few simple, quiet questions that made me look at my logic, and realize it was flawed. Without directly saying so, he pointed out that in trying to leave so he'd be happier, I neglected to consider the fact that I make him happy.
He understands that he'll never have to fight for me against someone else's attentions, but that he may have to fight against my own fears and mistakes. And he's willing to, and I'm willing to fight against his.
"Would you really let go of what we have because of something like this?"
No, I guess I wouldn't.
He understands that he'll never have to fight for me against someone else's attentions, but that he may have to fight against my own fears and mistakes. And he's willing to, and I'm willing to fight against his.
"Would you really let go of what we have because of something like this?"
No, I guess I wouldn't.
Monday, May 3, 2010
I wish I could put into words all of the things I'm feeling. I have neither the time nor the ability. My head is not in the clouds, there are no butterflies in my stomach, the sense of something new and intriguing and so forth has worn off.
Underneath that is something amazingly beautiful. Someone who sees me, rather than what they want to see or expect to see. Someone who understands that physical touch is merely an echo, a vague and shallow representation of what exists.
No matter how I write it, it won't sound quite right to me. So I think I'll simply stop.
Underneath that is something amazingly beautiful. Someone who sees me, rather than what they want to see or expect to see. Someone who understands that physical touch is merely an echo, a vague and shallow representation of what exists.
No matter how I write it, it won't sound quite right to me. So I think I'll simply stop.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
strangle
I'm never going to be free of him. It's been 10 years, and there are still vestiges and remainders and things that I cannot free myself of at this point. The past has a stranglehold on me that I struggle to break, but may not be able to.
I feel strangled - more so even than when he had his hands around my throat with rage and hatred in his eyes. He said he'd kill me; I believed him. Sometimes, I wonder if it wouldn't have been for the best - my future remains tethered to my past until I can fight my way clear.
I know, intellectually, I will eventually be free - of the things I put my signature to, and the man (boy. monster.) for whom I did so. It still breaks my heart to realize how much of my life has been paid out to him, in tears, blood, money, heartache.
I just want it over with - I wish we'd never met. Except that without that meeting, things would be so different I would not know the man I know today. Would not love him or have him in my life. I would not have that - but sometimes I still wish for a freedom that I wonder if I will ever have.
I feel strangled - more so even than when he had his hands around my throat with rage and hatred in his eyes. He said he'd kill me; I believed him. Sometimes, I wonder if it wouldn't have been for the best - my future remains tethered to my past until I can fight my way clear.
I know, intellectually, I will eventually be free - of the things I put my signature to, and the man (boy. monster.) for whom I did so. It still breaks my heart to realize how much of my life has been paid out to him, in tears, blood, money, heartache.
I just want it over with - I wish we'd never met. Except that without that meeting, things would be so different I would not know the man I know today. Would not love him or have him in my life. I would not have that - but sometimes I still wish for a freedom that I wonder if I will ever have.
Monday, April 26, 2010
"Everything's falling and I am included in that..."
There is something beautiful about this; about us. There's no label, no real discussion of one, and I find myself curious but otherwise uncaring. I don't care what the rest of the world thinks, because I have found a place in the world that feels like home.
Physical touch is only a mere shadow; only an extension of the things that lie in the heart. It's good to finally not only understand, but be able to live by that. I don't feel as if we'll lose one another if things don't progress to a point that I think neither of us really wants yet. More accurately, I don't feel as if I have to submit to the physical side of things to keep him by my side. Neither of us would have that, and there's an innocence to us that I hope we never lose.
Physical touch is only a mere shadow; only an extension of the things that lie in the heart. It's good to finally not only understand, but be able to live by that. I don't feel as if we'll lose one another if things don't progress to a point that I think neither of us really wants yet. More accurately, I don't feel as if I have to submit to the physical side of things to keep him by my side. Neither of us would have that, and there's an innocence to us that I hope we never lose.
Saturday, April 24, 2010
duality
I may have reclaimed a bit of my privacy - things are ironed out, I suppose. Or at least, they're ironed out enough that I can feel comfortable writing again.
I waver on the edge of elation and frustration, for entirely different reasons. The frustration is simple, I'm having what are rapidly becoming huge issues with my roommate. At this juncture, she owes me in the range of $800, the end of the month is coming up, at which point she'll owe me even more, and her bank account balance is in the negative because she's utterly fiscally irresponsible. If I could afford to live here on my own, we'd have parted ways as roommates by now, though most likely not as friends.
Elation...this sense of belonging and acceptance. Neither of us is perfect, neither of us has our head in the clouds, and neither of us is running. Even when we might want to, we fight to stay because we know that once the feeling passes we'll be right back to where we normally are. He sees me - understands what I'm about and who I am, and accepts me, although he's not afraid to tell me when he disapproves of or does not like something I've done. He is one of the most beautiful people I've ever met, and I am continually humbled by his presence. That's not to say he's on a pedestal - he's not perfect and I see that and accept it. There's a difference between being perfect, and being potentially perfect for me...
I waver on the edge of elation and frustration, for entirely different reasons. The frustration is simple, I'm having what are rapidly becoming huge issues with my roommate. At this juncture, she owes me in the range of $800, the end of the month is coming up, at which point she'll owe me even more, and her bank account balance is in the negative because she's utterly fiscally irresponsible. If I could afford to live here on my own, we'd have parted ways as roommates by now, though most likely not as friends.
Elation...this sense of belonging and acceptance. Neither of us is perfect, neither of us has our head in the clouds, and neither of us is running. Even when we might want to, we fight to stay because we know that once the feeling passes we'll be right back to where we normally are. He sees me - understands what I'm about and who I am, and accepts me, although he's not afraid to tell me when he disapproves of or does not like something I've done. He is one of the most beautiful people I've ever met, and I am continually humbled by his presence. That's not to say he's on a pedestal - he's not perfect and I see that and accept it. There's a difference between being perfect, and being potentially perfect for me...
Monday, April 19, 2010
dark
I woke up in the kind of mood where my biggest struggle of the day will be not to hurt myself or anyone else. My temper is out of control and I'm praying that said mood lightens before I have to actually deal with anyone.
A few months ago, when things were dark enough that I truly wanted to kill myself, a friend of mine - knowing the password because I'd needed something at some point and felt confident in sharing it with him - went into my email account and downloaded my entire phone's contact list so he could reach someone if he felt I was going to do something to myself. He thinks I should be grateful; appreciative.
I can, to a degree, understand his actions, but I can't forgive the breach of trust. I understand the desire to protect the people you care about; I can't say I wouldn't have done the same thing, at the time. The problem is that on my end, it feels like an absolute invasion of my privacy and sense of autonomy. Knowing that I have nothing whatsoever that is considered mine, and mine alone, and not to be breached or used or taken. Emotionally, it actually set me back, rather than helping in any way, and he doesn't understand - or care to try to understand - why that's the case. Setting aside that none of the people he could have called would have had the capacity to do any good whatsoever in a reasonable time frame, there's the fact that I already frequently struggle with feeling like I have nothing whatsoever that is mine and mine alone, and this underscored that.
I am a fanatic about how I dole out information about myself; I value my privacy and space above almost everything, and to have the modicum of trust I'd placed in him out of necessity breached so that he could feel like he might be able to do something is fairly unforgivable. I'd be able to let it go and forget it happened if not for two things: first, it has been months since that point, yet he refuses to divest himself of the information, which I've asked him to do repeatedly. Second, he thinks my view of this is unreasonable and that I should be grateful and appreciative of what he did in his efforts to "help" me. I suppose there's a third - that he used the information to insist that if I didn't talk to him about what was going on in my head that he would start making phone calls, and I would have to talk to someone about it.
I'm furious, hurt, and feel betrayed and held hostage by what is rightfully my own information - not something that he should ever have had access to; I feel that I can no longer write freely, speak freely, or think freely. He reads my journal, and while I asked him not to, I can place absolutely no faith in that possibility. So what happens if I have a day where everything is dark enough that I need to write about things that I won't do, and he takes it that I will and contacts my family or someone else? Not what I need, not what I want, and certainly not something I'd ever have expected of him, until now.
I am at the point where I am so angry and frustrated and hurt by his actions that I have blocked his phone number from both my mobile and house phones, and am refusing to speak with him. I want nothing to do with him unless he can see my point of view with a modicum of understanding, and unless he is willing to give me back what little privacy I have. Even saying that makes me angrier - the thought that I must ask for my own privacy back, and that it is up to someone else's whims.
There's more guiding my mood today, but I feel...incapable of writing any of it. I am wary of putting any of my thoughts into any kind of coherent form, because I cannot trust or believe that nothing will happen.
One sentence from our last argument echoes in my head - he accused me of being crazy. Not of having been crazy, but of being crazy, because I did not agree with his point of view, or see that what he did was right and acceptable.
I don't know as I want or have the capacity to be friends with anyone who openly refuses to even attempt to see things from my point of view, and who continually insists upon their rightness without even considering the other person's feelings. This isn't the first time he's been this way about something, but I'm realizing it just may be the last, when it comes to him doing it in my life. I cannot handle having someone like him in my life - it's destructive and painful and as much as it hurts to let go of the one person I considered my best friend, it may be healthier and safer and saner for me in the end. If nothing else, I can regain some sense of self and space and distance from others - which is something I need desperately. I sometimes feel like a live wire, vibrating with a dangerous current, and the only thing that will make that sense of rawness and energy dissipate is time spent utterly alone with my own thoughts, and without the world looking in and worrying or trying to help.
At the same time, I miss the sense of home and safety I had when N. was around - 39 more days until I see him again, and every day I seem to fall to pieces and put myself back together again. I won't say I need him or that this is simply an addiction I'm using to get myself through; neither is the truth. All I can say is that he lets me be myself, and manages to help when I'm crumbling.
A few months ago, when things were dark enough that I truly wanted to kill myself, a friend of mine - knowing the password because I'd needed something at some point and felt confident in sharing it with him - went into my email account and downloaded my entire phone's contact list so he could reach someone if he felt I was going to do something to myself. He thinks I should be grateful; appreciative.
I can, to a degree, understand his actions, but I can't forgive the breach of trust. I understand the desire to protect the people you care about; I can't say I wouldn't have done the same thing, at the time. The problem is that on my end, it feels like an absolute invasion of my privacy and sense of autonomy. Knowing that I have nothing whatsoever that is considered mine, and mine alone, and not to be breached or used or taken. Emotionally, it actually set me back, rather than helping in any way, and he doesn't understand - or care to try to understand - why that's the case. Setting aside that none of the people he could have called would have had the capacity to do any good whatsoever in a reasonable time frame, there's the fact that I already frequently struggle with feeling like I have nothing whatsoever that is mine and mine alone, and this underscored that.
I am a fanatic about how I dole out information about myself; I value my privacy and space above almost everything, and to have the modicum of trust I'd placed in him out of necessity breached so that he could feel like he might be able to do something is fairly unforgivable. I'd be able to let it go and forget it happened if not for two things: first, it has been months since that point, yet he refuses to divest himself of the information, which I've asked him to do repeatedly. Second, he thinks my view of this is unreasonable and that I should be grateful and appreciative of what he did in his efforts to "help" me. I suppose there's a third - that he used the information to insist that if I didn't talk to him about what was going on in my head that he would start making phone calls, and I would have to talk to someone about it.
I'm furious, hurt, and feel betrayed and held hostage by what is rightfully my own information - not something that he should ever have had access to; I feel that I can no longer write freely, speak freely, or think freely. He reads my journal, and while I asked him not to, I can place absolutely no faith in that possibility. So what happens if I have a day where everything is dark enough that I need to write about things that I won't do, and he takes it that I will and contacts my family or someone else? Not what I need, not what I want, and certainly not something I'd ever have expected of him, until now.
I am at the point where I am so angry and frustrated and hurt by his actions that I have blocked his phone number from both my mobile and house phones, and am refusing to speak with him. I want nothing to do with him unless he can see my point of view with a modicum of understanding, and unless he is willing to give me back what little privacy I have. Even saying that makes me angrier - the thought that I must ask for my own privacy back, and that it is up to someone else's whims.
There's more guiding my mood today, but I feel...incapable of writing any of it. I am wary of putting any of my thoughts into any kind of coherent form, because I cannot trust or believe that nothing will happen.
One sentence from our last argument echoes in my head - he accused me of being crazy. Not of having been crazy, but of being crazy, because I did not agree with his point of view, or see that what he did was right and acceptable.
I don't know as I want or have the capacity to be friends with anyone who openly refuses to even attempt to see things from my point of view, and who continually insists upon their rightness without even considering the other person's feelings. This isn't the first time he's been this way about something, but I'm realizing it just may be the last, when it comes to him doing it in my life. I cannot handle having someone like him in my life - it's destructive and painful and as much as it hurts to let go of the one person I considered my best friend, it may be healthier and safer and saner for me in the end. If nothing else, I can regain some sense of self and space and distance from others - which is something I need desperately. I sometimes feel like a live wire, vibrating with a dangerous current, and the only thing that will make that sense of rawness and energy dissipate is time spent utterly alone with my own thoughts, and without the world looking in and worrying or trying to help.
At the same time, I miss the sense of home and safety I had when N. was around - 39 more days until I see him again, and every day I seem to fall to pieces and put myself back together again. I won't say I need him or that this is simply an addiction I'm using to get myself through; neither is the truth. All I can say is that he lets me be myself, and manages to help when I'm crumbling.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Decisions
I'm avoiding making a decision I absolutely have to make. To return to my current job and be miserable, or to leave and struggle while I try to get this off the ground. It's scary - either way will be hard. The hardest part is leaving the security of my salary - a good amount; I'm definitely financially comfortable while I'm employed there. The problem is that I'm so utterly miserable that I have a hard time picturing myself returning at all, let alone the 6 or so months it would take to set things up so that I was completely settled.
It's just that I'm scared not to go back, as well. I'm scared of struggling, financially - I've become used to being comfortable, and admittedly, there are some things I need to pay off in order to feel one hundred percent comfortable with how things will work going forward.
Even the process of deciding is taking its toll - the thought of returning makes me feel ill, but the thought of not returning long enough to absolutely ensure that things are financially secure worries me a fair amount. I wish I could foresee the future - both potentials. I wish I knew if I'd be okay if I didn't return, or as miserable as I think I'll be if I do.
Part of me wants to say screw it, and go back for about 6 to 8 months, then leave, having saved every last cent I can. Another part of me wants to forget the idea entirely - to simply bite the bullet and have faith that things will work out. I simply do not know - for once in my life I am completely and utterly unsure of either option being the best one for me.
It's just that I'm scared not to go back, as well. I'm scared of struggling, financially - I've become used to being comfortable, and admittedly, there are some things I need to pay off in order to feel one hundred percent comfortable with how things will work going forward.
Even the process of deciding is taking its toll - the thought of returning makes me feel ill, but the thought of not returning long enough to absolutely ensure that things are financially secure worries me a fair amount. I wish I could foresee the future - both potentials. I wish I knew if I'd be okay if I didn't return, or as miserable as I think I'll be if I do.
Part of me wants to say screw it, and go back for about 6 to 8 months, then leave, having saved every last cent I can. Another part of me wants to forget the idea entirely - to simply bite the bullet and have faith that things will work out. I simply do not know - for once in my life I am completely and utterly unsure of either option being the best one for me.
Monday, April 12, 2010
I can't even write here freely. I miss my ip tracker and the ability to lock an entry down, because I'd be doing a fair bit of that going forward.
I hate to resort to the old method - politely mention to someone they shouldn't be reading, and then...trust they won't.
I'm really not that girl. Must figure something out, because now...what I have to say is for myself and anonymity.
I hate to resort to the old method - politely mention to someone they shouldn't be reading, and then...trust they won't.
I'm really not that girl. Must figure something out, because now...what I have to say is for myself and anonymity.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
peace
Yes. This is being home; this is what it feels like when things collide in just the right fashion.
Glacially slow is amazing.
Glacially slow is amazing.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
forward motion
One day...tomorrow evening.
There are things neither of us has said, and things we have said, and there's weight attached to this. Reality will come creeping in tomorrow, and we're both inviting it to do so - we want to know, need to know, I suppose.
The beginning of a journey I've wanted for a long time begins next week - my supplies and tools will finally be arriving, I'll set up my workshop, and then? And then.
Breathe - so many things are beginning and ending and breathing is the way you get through them.
Fuck the meds, I hate how they feel and I hate questioning if I'm really myself. I'm giving it a try sans any chemical assistance for a bit. If I fall off the deep end, if it's true that I cannot govern myself without the help of something I despise, then I'll despise it and accept it. Otherwise, I want to try this alone. I can't tell anyone aside from him, and her, because they're the only two who truly understand it, and I'd rather not cause panic for everyone else while I do this. I don't need the judgment or the lectures; I need my own strength and a little understanding.
I just want to be myself, and I'm on the way to that; I'm tracing the steps to my dreams, and moving forward fearlessly. There's plenty to fear, but I refuse to do so. It's time to move forward - purpose, intent, confidence and assurance. Let everything else fade away into the background.
There are things neither of us has said, and things we have said, and there's weight attached to this. Reality will come creeping in tomorrow, and we're both inviting it to do so - we want to know, need to know, I suppose.
The beginning of a journey I've wanted for a long time begins next week - my supplies and tools will finally be arriving, I'll set up my workshop, and then? And then.
Breathe - so many things are beginning and ending and breathing is the way you get through them.
Fuck the meds, I hate how they feel and I hate questioning if I'm really myself. I'm giving it a try sans any chemical assistance for a bit. If I fall off the deep end, if it's true that I cannot govern myself without the help of something I despise, then I'll despise it and accept it. Otherwise, I want to try this alone. I can't tell anyone aside from him, and her, because they're the only two who truly understand it, and I'd rather not cause panic for everyone else while I do this. I don't need the judgment or the lectures; I need my own strength and a little understanding.
I just want to be myself, and I'm on the way to that; I'm tracing the steps to my dreams, and moving forward fearlessly. There's plenty to fear, but I refuse to do so. It's time to move forward - purpose, intent, confidence and assurance. Let everything else fade away into the background.
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Beautiful Morning
Sun and warmth and flowers and a lightness to my heart that I am slowly beginning to get used to. A return to myself, and an exploration of something that may turn out to be the most real thing I've experienced. Acceptance of who I am, with no desire to rehash or discuss my past, my mistakes, the things I've done wrong.
And yet, there are things today that I wish not to be faced with - emptying out the flooded area that was my basement, trying to price out tools and supplies to begin what I wish to do with my life, creating a budget for myself going forward, and trying to figure what to do with my life in the meantime...
Basement first; life after.
And yet, there are things today that I wish not to be faced with - emptying out the flooded area that was my basement, trying to price out tools and supplies to begin what I wish to do with my life, creating a budget for myself going forward, and trying to figure what to do with my life in the meantime...
Basement first; life after.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
shooting, shooting, and decisions
The past few days I spent at my father's cabin in New Hampshire. It's so beautiful up there that it's hard to describe; I tried to capture some of it with my camera, and we'll see how well it went. In addition, he was kind enough to take me out and show me how to shoot - we used his Colt .357 with 38s in it, and it was an experience I'll never forget. I thought I'd be nervous; I wasn't. It turns out I'm not a terrible shot; I'm actually fairly decent for someone who has never done so before. It was interesting; I'd like to try it again in the future, I think.
I've given up on the corporate world - it's not where I want to be, not where I feel my future lies. I'm spending time gathering myself together before embarking on what I wish to do with my life, career wise. I'm slowly building the necessary stock of tools for my own jewelry workshop; it's what I love, and it's something I feel I can excel at and make a living doing. It's nice to be back to myself; I'd forgotten who I was for so long, and denied what I wanted until I was lost and unhappy and unsure of what was best for me. I need to remember never to do so again; the road ahead might be hard, but it's what I want, and what is right for me.
He is amazing; every night he reads me to sleep, and reassures me he'll still be here in the morning. I'm vulnerable enough in relationships that the reassurance does me good - I'm beginning to have some belief and trust in things moving forward. 6 more days until he's here and we discover if this is what we think it is. Glacial speeds work for me; he shows a respect for me that I didn't have but am learning, and encourages my strengths while questioning where I'm weak, and why I'm weak there. I'm finding that I am less and less reliant on other people's opinions - less reliant on his, or anyone else's, because I am remembering what it's like to know myself completely, and care for myself enough to let disapproval wash by me with no real ill effect. I'm finding myself to be beautiful - not because he thinks I am, but because he's reminded me why I am. If nothing else, that is something I will take with me going forward - I don't think I'll lose myself so thoroughly again. Yes, there will be times when the darkness eclipses everything, but I believe that I will find my way through with or without the help of other individuals.
I've rediscovered the passion in my life - I'm remembering what it feels like to be truly alive and to want and desire things, and move forward. I'm working toward happiness - it's difficult, but I'm doing so regardless.
I've given up on the corporate world - it's not where I want to be, not where I feel my future lies. I'm spending time gathering myself together before embarking on what I wish to do with my life, career wise. I'm slowly building the necessary stock of tools for my own jewelry workshop; it's what I love, and it's something I feel I can excel at and make a living doing. It's nice to be back to myself; I'd forgotten who I was for so long, and denied what I wanted until I was lost and unhappy and unsure of what was best for me. I need to remember never to do so again; the road ahead might be hard, but it's what I want, and what is right for me.
He is amazing; every night he reads me to sleep, and reassures me he'll still be here in the morning. I'm vulnerable enough in relationships that the reassurance does me good - I'm beginning to have some belief and trust in things moving forward. 6 more days until he's here and we discover if this is what we think it is. Glacial speeds work for me; he shows a respect for me that I didn't have but am learning, and encourages my strengths while questioning where I'm weak, and why I'm weak there. I'm finding that I am less and less reliant on other people's opinions - less reliant on his, or anyone else's, because I am remembering what it's like to know myself completely, and care for myself enough to let disapproval wash by me with no real ill effect. I'm finding myself to be beautiful - not because he thinks I am, but because he's reminded me why I am. If nothing else, that is something I will take with me going forward - I don't think I'll lose myself so thoroughly again. Yes, there will be times when the darkness eclipses everything, but I believe that I will find my way through with or without the help of other individuals.
I've rediscovered the passion in my life - I'm remembering what it feels like to be truly alive and to want and desire things, and move forward. I'm working toward happiness - it's difficult, but I'm doing so regardless.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
grey day
I woke up feeling peaceful, and slid downward into grey nothingness. There's a void somewhere in me that yawns ahead like a chasm I cannot - and do not understand how to - fill or cross. I feel distant from everyone, and everything today, with no rhyme or reason or explanation for it. I simply want to disappear - to run until I find someplace that doesn't look or feel grey to me; someplace that feels warm and filled with colors and emotions. I'm afraid I won't be able to find my way back, though I know that's illogical - I always do, one way or another. It's just hard to figure out how to when I'm being pulled in differing directions; when my time is not my own and my surroundings are not familiar or mine. If I were home, perhaps I would sleep for the day, or perhaps I would go down to the ocean and stare over the water. I'm not in a dangerous to myself mood - not yet; I'm simply in a slowly sinking into darkness mood. It's normal, I know it is, but what worries me is that it doesn't worry me at all. I lack the desire to care or stop the descent - I want to take all of the medications and throw them into the ocean - watch them dissolve in a fit of rebellion. I want to just let myself be without the assistance of chemicals that attempt to keep a delicate balance from falling apart.
I won't do anything to myself, but lord knows I want to.
I won't do anything to myself, but lord knows I want to.
Monday, March 22, 2010
possible perfection
There's a fairly long checklist of things I'd want in a man. I'm picky, choosy, and difficult to please. I guess I'm waiting for the right person at the right time - but aren't we all?
I've stumbled across someone who...reminds me of some of the things that I wanted in a man; who reminds me by being them. Things I'd forgotten were important to me, and things I hadn't realized I wanted. I'm not saying this is going anywhere, I'm just saying maybe it's time I put that list of things I want into writing.
He doesn't have to be a pushover, but has to be able to see my point of view and accept where I'm coming from. I need someone who makes me understand I'm the only woman in his life, but without being overly burdensome and clingy - just solid, and consistently there; someone who puts me first when it's right to do so, and has me at the forefront of his mind, rather than doing things solely to please himself.
Romantic. Not candle light dinner romantic, not champagne and caviar. Blankets under the stars in the summer, words that have some depth and meaning behind them, promises that aren't made for the sake of making promises.
Steadfast. I want, need, and deserve someone who knows his own mind - who doesn't waiver when he sees what he wants, and works to make it his. Who isn't afraid to let me know what he's thinking or feeling and isn't afraid to tell me he won't let me disappear, or he'll do his damnedest to keep me from doing so. I could write a novel on the idea of steadfastness, and how it's been lacking in my relationships for a very long time. It's something I'm worth having - I'm worth a man who knows what he wants and sticks to that.
Old fashioned. I'm tired of throwing myself away with people who aren't worth it. I'm tired of rushing into things with the wrong people at the wrong times. I want a gentleman who's comfortable with taking things slowly, and respects me enough to do so. Someone who has some self restraint and isn't afraid or displeased to use it.
Laid back and funny. I'm neurotic - I'm high strung and not what one would term easy going. I need someone by my side who IS easy going and laid back; someone who can just laugh and hold me when I get wound up so tightly I might just fly apart. The funny part is self explanatory - I need someone who can make me laugh; I think almost everyone does.
Financially responsible. I'm tired of being the one to support the people I'm dating. I'm not looking to be supported, and I'm not looking to support someone else ever again.
Personally responsible. I don't feel like being someone's substitute mother - I'm tired of doing household chores for the people I date, and of bending over backwards to make their lives easier when they rarely lift a finger to do the same. I deserve better. I will have better.
Conservative, and strong - comfortable and capable with firearms. Not gun or trigger happy, just competent and at ease.
I really just want a laid back southern man who thinks the world of me, and isn't afraid to admit to it. It appears I might just have one.
I've stumbled across someone who...reminds me of some of the things that I wanted in a man; who reminds me by being them. Things I'd forgotten were important to me, and things I hadn't realized I wanted. I'm not saying this is going anywhere, I'm just saying maybe it's time I put that list of things I want into writing.
He doesn't have to be a pushover, but has to be able to see my point of view and accept where I'm coming from. I need someone who makes me understand I'm the only woman in his life, but without being overly burdensome and clingy - just solid, and consistently there; someone who puts me first when it's right to do so, and has me at the forefront of his mind, rather than doing things solely to please himself.
Romantic. Not candle light dinner romantic, not champagne and caviar. Blankets under the stars in the summer, words that have some depth and meaning behind them, promises that aren't made for the sake of making promises.
Steadfast. I want, need, and deserve someone who knows his own mind - who doesn't waiver when he sees what he wants, and works to make it his. Who isn't afraid to let me know what he's thinking or feeling and isn't afraid to tell me he won't let me disappear, or he'll do his damnedest to keep me from doing so. I could write a novel on the idea of steadfastness, and how it's been lacking in my relationships for a very long time. It's something I'm worth having - I'm worth a man who knows what he wants and sticks to that.
Old fashioned. I'm tired of throwing myself away with people who aren't worth it. I'm tired of rushing into things with the wrong people at the wrong times. I want a gentleman who's comfortable with taking things slowly, and respects me enough to do so. Someone who has some self restraint and isn't afraid or displeased to use it.
Laid back and funny. I'm neurotic - I'm high strung and not what one would term easy going. I need someone by my side who IS easy going and laid back; someone who can just laugh and hold me when I get wound up so tightly I might just fly apart. The funny part is self explanatory - I need someone who can make me laugh; I think almost everyone does.
Financially responsible. I'm tired of being the one to support the people I'm dating. I'm not looking to be supported, and I'm not looking to support someone else ever again.
Personally responsible. I don't feel like being someone's substitute mother - I'm tired of doing household chores for the people I date, and of bending over backwards to make their lives easier when they rarely lift a finger to do the same. I deserve better. I will have better.
Conservative, and strong - comfortable and capable with firearms. Not gun or trigger happy, just competent and at ease.
I really just want a laid back southern man who thinks the world of me, and isn't afraid to admit to it. It appears I might just have one.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
things I'd say if I had the courage
Things are so jumbled right now.
NS: You're too understanding - you're beautiful. You say I am, but the truth is that you are, and I'm just a glorious mess. But you understand that, all too well. You've seen the mess, and you've seen the other parts as well. You aren't anything other than supportive and sweet. I needed that, needed you to show up again. Needed my stranger, and who knows what that will entail. I've stopped trying to figure it out - I've tried to be as laid back about this as you are about life. It's harder than it sounds, I have no idea how you do it.
JM: You're too confusing for me, right now. I feel hurt but at the same time I just simply don't care anymore. I'm too tired and too burnt out to care about our friendship or anything else. I wish I could, but I can't. The things I tried to say came out all wrong and I ended up sounding like I was bitter or resentful, neither of which is true anymore. I give up - I don't think things will ever quite work out; either for friendship or anything else. And that's okay. It hurts to say I don't believe in our friendship anymore, but I don't. I just don't think we're good for each other.
JS: You're more like me than I ever imagined, and I think it's funny how we grow closer as we get older. I love it. I missed you, I MISS you. Why did you have to move away? I'd trade the house and the pool and everything if you'd just come back. I love it here, but it's your home, and I want you to be the one living here.
VH & KK: The two of you have been a godsend lately. You've kept me amused and distracted and busy. You've shown me that you care on a consistent and regular basis, and I'm thankful for it, and for you. I haven't been the easiest to be around lately, but you've both been awesome about it.
I might be waking up. I don't know...I feel more awake than I have in a long time, but I'm tentative - cautious.
NS: There's so much more I want to say, but neither of us is ready to say the things we're thinking. I love that - love knowing there's more for us to say and that there's no hurry to say any of it.
NS: You're too understanding - you're beautiful. You say I am, but the truth is that you are, and I'm just a glorious mess. But you understand that, all too well. You've seen the mess, and you've seen the other parts as well. You aren't anything other than supportive and sweet. I needed that, needed you to show up again. Needed my stranger, and who knows what that will entail. I've stopped trying to figure it out - I've tried to be as laid back about this as you are about life. It's harder than it sounds, I have no idea how you do it.
JM: You're too confusing for me, right now. I feel hurt but at the same time I just simply don't care anymore. I'm too tired and too burnt out to care about our friendship or anything else. I wish I could, but I can't. The things I tried to say came out all wrong and I ended up sounding like I was bitter or resentful, neither of which is true anymore. I give up - I don't think things will ever quite work out; either for friendship or anything else. And that's okay. It hurts to say I don't believe in our friendship anymore, but I don't. I just don't think we're good for each other.
JS: You're more like me than I ever imagined, and I think it's funny how we grow closer as we get older. I love it. I missed you, I MISS you. Why did you have to move away? I'd trade the house and the pool and everything if you'd just come back. I love it here, but it's your home, and I want you to be the one living here.
VH & KK: The two of you have been a godsend lately. You've kept me amused and distracted and busy. You've shown me that you care on a consistent and regular basis, and I'm thankful for it, and for you. I haven't been the easiest to be around lately, but you've both been awesome about it.
I might be waking up. I don't know...I feel more awake than I have in a long time, but I'm tentative - cautious.
NS: There's so much more I want to say, but neither of us is ready to say the things we're thinking. I love that - love knowing there's more for us to say and that there's no hurry to say any of it.
Friday, March 12, 2010
vernal
I forgot how much fun it is to swap music suggestions and spend far too long on the phone. It cheered me up, in ways I didn't realize I needed. Perhaps it's just nice to feel like it's a privilege for someone to spend time talking to me, rather than an obligation. I've felt much like an obligation lately - to everyone. It wears on me, very quickly.
This morning was the first morning since we moved here that I woke up and there were deer in the backyard. There was only one, but it made me smile, because I know it means that spring is almost here, and they'll be back, drifting through the orchard in the mornings. I never get past how beautiful they are; slender legs wrapped in mist, necks bent down to the ground as they graze; white tails high as they bound away if they hear a noise that is unfamiliar...
For the first time in a long time, I feel content this morning. Not perfect, but comfortable in my own skin. As if my internal seasons are slowly turning toward spring, along with the earth's. Things are not (and will not be) absolutely wonderful, but they're a little bit better...I feel as if parts of me are waking up and remembering who I am.
This morning was the first morning since we moved here that I woke up and there were deer in the backyard. There was only one, but it made me smile, because I know it means that spring is almost here, and they'll be back, drifting through the orchard in the mornings. I never get past how beautiful they are; slender legs wrapped in mist, necks bent down to the ground as they graze; white tails high as they bound away if they hear a noise that is unfamiliar...
For the first time in a long time, I feel content this morning. Not perfect, but comfortable in my own skin. As if my internal seasons are slowly turning toward spring, along with the earth's. Things are not (and will not be) absolutely wonderful, but they're a little bit better...I feel as if parts of me are waking up and remembering who I am.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
if wishes were horses
The only thing I truly want right now is to curl up and fall asleep while someone safe and trustworthy holds me. Nothing more complex or intense than that - it's not even a romantic desire; just the need to feel safe and cared about for a night.
Monday, March 8, 2010
destruction
I said recently I couldn't trust you anymore...and I still feel that way to a degree. I still feel as if you violated the trust I placed in you. I understand the reasoning, the logic, the sentiment. I know you wanted to protect me, save me, have a way to ensure I would be safe, if nothing else. It matters, but not enough to erase that feeling. I asked you to make a promise to me - I'm hoping you can keep it.
I'm struggling with something regarding you, and I don't know how to handle it, I suppose. You were always the steady one. You knew what you wanted, and you told me once you'd spent the last five years trying to get into a situation where it could work out. You had faith...you always had faith that things would work out, and now you tell me you don't. That maybe it really wasn't meant to be, and that you really aren't sure what you want anymore.
Part of it is my fault - most of it, I suppose. The events of last winter can never be erased - I can't go back in time and make everything right, although I desperately wish I could. More than anything, I wish I could go back and change things. Because I have faith now, and it kills me that you don't.
It hurts to realize that...there's someone else that holds an equal position in your life to mine. Someone else managed to become as important to you as I always was, after knowing them less than a fifth of the time you've known me - I suppose after knowing them less than a tenth as long. And that person has earned entrance into a place in your heart that I thought was sacred, and only for me. A place that after 10 years I was finally beginning to understand and realize the depth of - only now I'm realizing it may no longer exist.
I feel horrible thinking this, writing this, feeling this. I have no right at all to feel the way I do.
It's just that there was something about us that was special and unique, and I feel as if it's been tarnished and destroyed beyond repair.
And it's my own fault.
I'm struggling with something regarding you, and I don't know how to handle it, I suppose. You were always the steady one. You knew what you wanted, and you told me once you'd spent the last five years trying to get into a situation where it could work out. You had faith...you always had faith that things would work out, and now you tell me you don't. That maybe it really wasn't meant to be, and that you really aren't sure what you want anymore.
Part of it is my fault - most of it, I suppose. The events of last winter can never be erased - I can't go back in time and make everything right, although I desperately wish I could. More than anything, I wish I could go back and change things. Because I have faith now, and it kills me that you don't.
It hurts to realize that...there's someone else that holds an equal position in your life to mine. Someone else managed to become as important to you as I always was, after knowing them less than a fifth of the time you've known me - I suppose after knowing them less than a tenth as long. And that person has earned entrance into a place in your heart that I thought was sacred, and only for me. A place that after 10 years I was finally beginning to understand and realize the depth of - only now I'm realizing it may no longer exist.
I feel horrible thinking this, writing this, feeling this. I have no right at all to feel the way I do.
It's just that there was something about us that was special and unique, and I feel as if it's been tarnished and destroyed beyond repair.
And it's my own fault.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
surf
I feel as if I'm going crazy...
...
well.
Summertime at the ocean, and you're bobbing out past the point where the ocean floor begins to drop off. Waiting for a wave to ride in, and you can feel the water lifting you up gently before rolling past you, caressing your skin; your arms and legs and shoulders...
Finally, you choose a swell, and position yourself just so... you feel yourself lifted, lifted...and there's a sense of elation, it's almost like flying, only more intimate. Underneath it, the tiniest thread of fear, because you can feel the drop building underneath you. There will come a moment when the wave breaks, and if you're not positioned just right, you'll either miss the ride entirely, or end up tumbled, slammed into sand and shells and thrown about like a rag doll, only to surface gasping and spitting salt water and grit from your mouth, your face raw and scraped.
If you've gotten it just right...you'll glide in; coasting with a speed you can't get under your own power, pushed forward - momentum granted by the entirety of the ocean behind you. Perfection.
I don't have it just right...I'm up, and I can feel it cresting, and I know I won't miss the ride, or catch it properly. I'm trying to take a deep breath before I go under.
...
well.
Summertime at the ocean, and you're bobbing out past the point where the ocean floor begins to drop off. Waiting for a wave to ride in, and you can feel the water lifting you up gently before rolling past you, caressing your skin; your arms and legs and shoulders...
Finally, you choose a swell, and position yourself just so... you feel yourself lifted, lifted...and there's a sense of elation, it's almost like flying, only more intimate. Underneath it, the tiniest thread of fear, because you can feel the drop building underneath you. There will come a moment when the wave breaks, and if you're not positioned just right, you'll either miss the ride entirely, or end up tumbled, slammed into sand and shells and thrown about like a rag doll, only to surface gasping and spitting salt water and grit from your mouth, your face raw and scraped.
If you've gotten it just right...you'll glide in; coasting with a speed you can't get under your own power, pushed forward - momentum granted by the entirety of the ocean behind you. Perfection.
I don't have it just right...I'm up, and I can feel it cresting, and I know I won't miss the ride, or catch it properly. I'm trying to take a deep breath before I go under.
Saturday, March 6, 2010
sea change
If I were braver, I'd get a nagivator's star - a compass rose - tattooed on my shoulder, to remind me that no matter how lost I am, I will eventually find my way.
I haven't yet; I'm still struggling, reeling. I suppose I have hope, though it's not really what it feels like at this point. More numb acceptance that I can't just quit, so I need to muddle a way through.
I think the hardest part right now isn't feeling as if this has taken over my whole life, but realizing it's been in control of my life for a very long time - I've been in the driver's seat, but not as much as I should have been.
I feel as if I'm spinning, and have nothing to grab hold of - nothing to reel me in and stop me from going in circles and cycles. Constantly questioning my emotions - are they real, or a figment? Am I upset, or will this fall away in a few hours as well?
I've been so angry...for the last few years, I suppose. I took it out on whomever was in my direct path - I was...irrational about the people I loved; both in the way I treated them, and what I expected from them. I pushed away the people who were the closest to me for no real reason that I can fathom, except perhaps fear.
Even now, I lash out and get angry and upset...and it's gone by the next day. It's disconcerting, and upsetting - sometimes it's gone within minutes, and I'm left trying to take deep breaths in between the tears, and I don't understand any of it. Jacob's gotten...the worst of it, really. I suppose because there's some mechanism in place to keep me from showing this to my family - he's the person I can be most honest with, and of course that means he ends up dealing with almost all of the hard moments. I won't say the worst moments - I refuse to let anyone see those, still. I have a hard enough time getting through them without trying to let anyone in.
I've been very up for the last day or two...today especially. Not really happy, per se, but just up...energetic, fun to be around (today), laughing and making jokes. There's a hollowness to it, but I accept it for what it is right now - a day that's better than the rest, even if it's not...normal. Although honestly, I currently have no concept of normal.
I think...the best thing I've realized over the last few days is that despite what anyone else's expectations of me - and of what I should be doing in the next month or two - may be, mine are somewhat more important. I told Jacob that if I need the time to finally get this in order, to finally take the time and the opportunity to get control of this, I'm going to take it. Regardless of what anyone else might expect, if I need to do this to get...back to where I was during the few periods of normalcy...I will. And I'll take however much time I might need to do so.
That might be the first truly positive thought I've had in awhile. The first commitment I've made to actually fighting. It scares me to think how tired I've become, and how little I want to fight. The last 24 hours or so have held a few simple pleasures - a few small things to look forward to - and right now, maybe that's enough to keep going until I have another incentive to keep going, and another. You can't live because other people want you to - you have to find reasons of your own. I'm working on remembering what mine were, deciding which are still valid for me, and finding new reasons. Tired as I am, and as hard as this is and as much as I feel like nothing more than a miniature waterfall lately, I'm...getting ready to fight again.
Everyone thinks of a sea change as incredibly fast - a mere instant in time. It's...not.
The original meaning was...a change brought about by the sea, not a change occurring in the sea itself. Something gradual and slow; something that right now, I can relate to.
"Nothing of him that doth fade
But doth suffer a sea-change
Into something rich and strange. "
At this moment in time, I'm learning to accept that might be what I need...
I haven't yet; I'm still struggling, reeling. I suppose I have hope, though it's not really what it feels like at this point. More numb acceptance that I can't just quit, so I need to muddle a way through.
I think the hardest part right now isn't feeling as if this has taken over my whole life, but realizing it's been in control of my life for a very long time - I've been in the driver's seat, but not as much as I should have been.
I feel as if I'm spinning, and have nothing to grab hold of - nothing to reel me in and stop me from going in circles and cycles. Constantly questioning my emotions - are they real, or a figment? Am I upset, or will this fall away in a few hours as well?
I've been so angry...for the last few years, I suppose. I took it out on whomever was in my direct path - I was...irrational about the people I loved; both in the way I treated them, and what I expected from them. I pushed away the people who were the closest to me for no real reason that I can fathom, except perhaps fear.
Even now, I lash out and get angry and upset...and it's gone by the next day. It's disconcerting, and upsetting - sometimes it's gone within minutes, and I'm left trying to take deep breaths in between the tears, and I don't understand any of it. Jacob's gotten...the worst of it, really. I suppose because there's some mechanism in place to keep me from showing this to my family - he's the person I can be most honest with, and of course that means he ends up dealing with almost all of the hard moments. I won't say the worst moments - I refuse to let anyone see those, still. I have a hard enough time getting through them without trying to let anyone in.
I've been very up for the last day or two...today especially. Not really happy, per se, but just up...energetic, fun to be around (today), laughing and making jokes. There's a hollowness to it, but I accept it for what it is right now - a day that's better than the rest, even if it's not...normal. Although honestly, I currently have no concept of normal.
I think...the best thing I've realized over the last few days is that despite what anyone else's expectations of me - and of what I should be doing in the next month or two - may be, mine are somewhat more important. I told Jacob that if I need the time to finally get this in order, to finally take the time and the opportunity to get control of this, I'm going to take it. Regardless of what anyone else might expect, if I need to do this to get...back to where I was during the few periods of normalcy...I will. And I'll take however much time I might need to do so.
That might be the first truly positive thought I've had in awhile. The first commitment I've made to actually fighting. It scares me to think how tired I've become, and how little I want to fight. The last 24 hours or so have held a few simple pleasures - a few small things to look forward to - and right now, maybe that's enough to keep going until I have another incentive to keep going, and another. You can't live because other people want you to - you have to find reasons of your own. I'm working on remembering what mine were, deciding which are still valid for me, and finding new reasons. Tired as I am, and as hard as this is and as much as I feel like nothing more than a miniature waterfall lately, I'm...getting ready to fight again.
Everyone thinks of a sea change as incredibly fast - a mere instant in time. It's...not.
The original meaning was...a change brought about by the sea, not a change occurring in the sea itself. Something gradual and slow; something that right now, I can relate to.
"Nothing of him that doth fade
But doth suffer a sea-change
Into something rich and strange. "
At this moment in time, I'm learning to accept that might be what I need...
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
ebb tide
The tide is going out, and receding with it are all of the dreams and hopes I'd held for my future.
Meaning it for the first time, wondering aloud and considering the truth, I stated, "I really don't think I'll ever have children now, all things considered."
And for the first time, my mother agreed that it probably wasn't the best idea.
The plans I'd laid, the career I wanted, the life I'd hoped for...seemingly impossible, now. This has robbed me of so much, and I feel it's only just begun.
The career is almost certainly impossible. The life - well, it included normal things, I suppose - maybe getting married and having children someday. My career choice and how I envisioned that family may not have been the most common of choices, but they were mine, and they meant something to me.
Knowing I won't be able to do what I want to for employment...knowing that having children isn't a good or healthy choice...I begin to wonder about even the possibility of getting married. I'm always going to be like this, to some degree. I can't imagine anyone who would be able to put up with it - even Jacob couldn't.
Reality - a strange concept. It's fluid, subjective, deceitful. My reality differs so much from that of my brother or mother or best friend that they're close to being irreconcilable.
Under the music, there were voices. I turned the radio off, feeling like my head was going to burst. Would have pulled over and cried, but I knew it wouldn't do any good. My vision jumps and blurs and confuses me - was that a leaf, an animal, a hallucination?
And at night, paranoia sets in. The normal settling noises of the house convince me there's someone else here with me. Two nights ago I told Jacob I was firmly convinced that either there was someone else in the house, or the house was haunted. I meant it at the time...now, it seems beyond ridiculous.
I can't tell if it's the medications making things worse, or if they're just getting worse on their own. I don't want to be honest with my doctor, I hate admitting to these things to either anyone who knows me, or whom I have to look in the eyes.
Dreams...beyond strange. They'd be nightmares, but they've stopped scaring me. I'm numb to them at this point, I think.
Fold my soul up and carry it away - as far away as you can go - then release it over the ocean and let me go. That's all I really want...this is beyond what I have the energy to deal with.
Meaning it for the first time, wondering aloud and considering the truth, I stated, "I really don't think I'll ever have children now, all things considered."
And for the first time, my mother agreed that it probably wasn't the best idea.
The plans I'd laid, the career I wanted, the life I'd hoped for...seemingly impossible, now. This has robbed me of so much, and I feel it's only just begun.
The career is almost certainly impossible. The life - well, it included normal things, I suppose - maybe getting married and having children someday. My career choice and how I envisioned that family may not have been the most common of choices, but they were mine, and they meant something to me.
Knowing I won't be able to do what I want to for employment...knowing that having children isn't a good or healthy choice...I begin to wonder about even the possibility of getting married. I'm always going to be like this, to some degree. I can't imagine anyone who would be able to put up with it - even Jacob couldn't.
Reality - a strange concept. It's fluid, subjective, deceitful. My reality differs so much from that of my brother or mother or best friend that they're close to being irreconcilable.
Under the music, there were voices. I turned the radio off, feeling like my head was going to burst. Would have pulled over and cried, but I knew it wouldn't do any good. My vision jumps and blurs and confuses me - was that a leaf, an animal, a hallucination?
And at night, paranoia sets in. The normal settling noises of the house convince me there's someone else here with me. Two nights ago I told Jacob I was firmly convinced that either there was someone else in the house, or the house was haunted. I meant it at the time...now, it seems beyond ridiculous.
I can't tell if it's the medications making things worse, or if they're just getting worse on their own. I don't want to be honest with my doctor, I hate admitting to these things to either anyone who knows me, or whom I have to look in the eyes.
Dreams...beyond strange. They'd be nightmares, but they've stopped scaring me. I'm numb to them at this point, I think.
Fold my soul up and carry it away - as far away as you can go - then release it over the ocean and let me go. That's all I really want...this is beyond what I have the energy to deal with.
Monday, March 1, 2010
the blessedness of silence
"So you need to talk to me...what's going on?"
"Are you really sure you want to know? Are you sure you're ready for what I'm going to say - it's not good. You have to promise not to freak out."
"Okay. Tell me."
And so I did. And after I told him, he freaked out. I guess it's understandable - I'm his little sister, and things aren't right in my head by any means. And as much as I may want to negate my own existence; to stamp it out entirely, I know...they won't let me. Even if they can't actually stop me... their existence does.
And so...I'm trapped.
I hate knowing I'm putting them through this. I'm the kind of person who - if I was diagnosed with cancer - most likely wouldn't tell anyone at all, because I don't want other people to have to deal with what I consider to be solely my own problems.
This time, though - I've truly fallen apart and lost my mind. It's impossible for them not to see, to sense, to know that something isn't right.
"I only found out a couple of weeks ago that you've been on medication since you were 14...and I'm your brother. That hurt, you know?"
I know.
It hurt me, too. But not as much as it hurts knowing you know.
Tonight appears to be another night of no sleep and writing absolutely nothing of consequence... too many of those, lately.
"Are you really sure you want to know? Are you sure you're ready for what I'm going to say - it's not good. You have to promise not to freak out."
"Okay. Tell me."
And so I did. And after I told him, he freaked out. I guess it's understandable - I'm his little sister, and things aren't right in my head by any means. And as much as I may want to negate my own existence; to stamp it out entirely, I know...they won't let me. Even if they can't actually stop me... their existence does.
And so...I'm trapped.
I hate knowing I'm putting them through this. I'm the kind of person who - if I was diagnosed with cancer - most likely wouldn't tell anyone at all, because I don't want other people to have to deal with what I consider to be solely my own problems.
This time, though - I've truly fallen apart and lost my mind. It's impossible for them not to see, to sense, to know that something isn't right.
"I only found out a couple of weeks ago that you've been on medication since you were 14...and I'm your brother. That hurt, you know?"
I know.
It hurt me, too. But not as much as it hurts knowing you know.
Tonight appears to be another night of no sleep and writing absolutely nothing of consequence... too many of those, lately.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
an itching sensation...
My ex...(Air...THE ex, I suppose) had a saying whenever he was having a nicotine craving. He'd say, "My brain itches." I was never sure how he identified that feeling, because everyone experiences things differently, but I can tell you how I experience it - because my brain itches for no reason sometimes, and right now it's worse than it's been in a long time.
First of all, it isn't a headache. My neck is a tiny bit stiff, but nothing terribly noticeable. Rather, my head feels as if it's too small to hold my brain and the fluids around it. My scalp and neck and the inside of my skull tingle. The inside of my skull itches, too, and there's literally nothing that can be done for it.
I slept for perhaps 4-5 hours last night - dozing on and off, with strange and confusing dreams. I wake up just as energetic as I was in the half hour before I forced myself to go to bed.
If nothing else, at least I'm being somewhat creative, now. I made another necklace last night - this one was more complex than any of the others I'd made, and took quite a bit longer, but I think it's pretty, regardless. Jake thinks I should try selling some of it - I'd mentioned doing so offhandedly, and he seems to think it's a good idea. I just don't have the confidence to think I could do so, I suppose. I also don't have the kind of money I'd need to build up a good amount of pieces so I could feel comfortable trying to sell anything. Not...that I think they'd sell. Life doesn't work that way, and I'm certainly not talented enough to try for it.
This morning I am up - but not in a pleasant way - I still feel irritable and miserable and suicidal, except now I'm jumpy and full of energy on top of it. Lovely...
First of all, it isn't a headache. My neck is a tiny bit stiff, but nothing terribly noticeable. Rather, my head feels as if it's too small to hold my brain and the fluids around it. My scalp and neck and the inside of my skull tingle. The inside of my skull itches, too, and there's literally nothing that can be done for it.
I slept for perhaps 4-5 hours last night - dozing on and off, with strange and confusing dreams. I wake up just as energetic as I was in the half hour before I forced myself to go to bed.
If nothing else, at least I'm being somewhat creative, now. I made another necklace last night - this one was more complex than any of the others I'd made, and took quite a bit longer, but I think it's pretty, regardless. Jake thinks I should try selling some of it - I'd mentioned doing so offhandedly, and he seems to think it's a good idea. I just don't have the confidence to think I could do so, I suppose. I also don't have the kind of money I'd need to build up a good amount of pieces so I could feel comfortable trying to sell anything. Not...that I think they'd sell. Life doesn't work that way, and I'm certainly not talented enough to try for it.
This morning I am up - but not in a pleasant way - I still feel irritable and miserable and suicidal, except now I'm jumpy and full of energy on top of it. Lovely...
Friday, February 26, 2010
hello...nurse?
The wind is howling around the house - darkly; wild and angry. It sounds frigid, and makes me feel even more isolated than I already am - tucked away in an empty houe, hiding from the world. I feel utterly alone, but I have felt that way for some time now. More than anything these days, I need someone I can curl up against and just cry and be held. There's no one in the world that could do that right now; not and have it make a damn bit of difference.
I can't tell which emotions are real anymore; everything is either so sharp it hurts or so numb I barely register it. The only thing that registers as real is despair - endless...
I had a few brief hours of useful "up" time today... I actually created something. Well, several somethings...two pairs of earrings, a necklace and a bracelet. While I was working on them, I felt almost peaceful. Almost, but not quite.
I am spinning...an empty shell being picked up and hurled down by angry waves and fierce undertow due to a storm raging offshore. I need to go to the ocean, I'm just afraid to do it alone...not because I fear the possibility of following through, rather because unless I can ascertain a way to avoid catastrophic consequences with regard to my estate, I feel a duty to stick around.
Morbid, I suppose...
And people keep trying to encourage me and tell me to wait until the meds start helping, but no one wants to hear the truth. No one wants to let me say that I honestly don't believe any of this will do the smallest amount of good.
I hate them for it. For caring, for thinking everything will be all better in the future. If this has progressively gotten worse rather than better for the last 16 years, how can they stand there and try to tell me it will get better?
Idiots. Hypocrites. Fools. Sadists, really... but then while they've all said they've "been there," somehow miraculously they all got better and feel free to Pollyanna at me as if I am a child to be placated and distracted. Sure, they've been there...they've been fighting this for over half their lives...
Except they haven't. Not a single one of them. They've all been depressed at some point and assume there's enough of a similarity there that they can relate.
What do you do when you're up and still miserable...? You plan, feverishly. You argue and push and destroy everything you possibly can.
I just want it to stop. It's getting worse, not better, and I just want to be granted an early dismissal due to illness like when I was little and got ill at school and the nurse would call my mother to take me home. Except...I want it for life. Where's the nurse, maybe she'll write a note for me and let me go home.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
a wish for emancipation
Three nights ago I drove down to the beach with every intention of killing myself. I had a little over an hour to think about it as I made my way there - to consider and plan and think. It was a cold night, and I knew that, being the Northern Atlantic, the water would be cold enough to numb my arms and hopefully numb the rest of me, as well. I stopped at the pharmacy near the beach to get sleeping pills and a box cutter. I got as far as the side of the road next to the parking lot of the beach.
I still wish I'd done it; I could say I don't know why I didn't, but I do know. Foremost, I don't want to leave behind debt that my family will have to take care of because my life insurance won't pay out if it's clearly suicide. Second, I don't want my family to know that I chose to end my own life. Third, Jacob figured out what I was intending and I couldn't - for whatever reason - go through with it with him trying to keep me from it in the only ways he had at his disposal.
Afterwards, on my way home - as drained as I was of all real energy - I took that failure out on him. I told him I hated him and I didn't care if he loved me, and it didn't matter to me that he cared about what happened to me. I meant every word. I still do, in a way.
I hate all of them, right now. I hate everyone who cares for me; their love tethers me to a life I don't want to live anymore.
I'm exhausted by the very thought of continuing to live. The roller coaster has lost its appeal - I'm tired of the lows, and the highs have turned sour, as well. I'm tired of waking up and being frustrated that I'm still here. I'm tired of medications that make me feel nauseous, keep me from sleeping, make my stomach hurt, give me headaches, make me dizzy, and don't seem to do anything else. I'm tired of multiple medications all in an effort to try to "stabilize" me. I'm tired of having nightmares three nights out of five for no reason whatsoever - dreams that make me wake up feeling more exhausted and sore than when I finally got to sleep. I'm tired of crying at least twice every single day. I'm tired of not knowing which emotions are real and which are "symptomatic" - they all feel real, however briefly. I'm tired of the fact that even when I'm up lately, I can't seem to feel anything resembling happiness. I laugh or sound chipper and act like things are fine - playing off the depth of what's happening - when I talk to people on the phone; I've ceased seeing anyone I care about because I can disguise it over the phone, but not face to face.
The thought of living another 30-70 more years like this not only exhausts me, it terrifies me, and causes me to breakdown. The thought of living another month like this does the same. I refuse to be honest with my family; I'm afraid they'd have me institutionalized, and if that were to happen, I would simply go over the edge - or more accurately off of this tiny ledge I landed on halfway down the cliff from where I did go over the edge.
I am most certainly a danger to myself; not an immediate one, I suppose. I spend a good portion of my time trying to figure out a way to die in a fashion that would not be deemed suspicious, and another portion of it contemplating the veins on my wrist and wishing I could just find someplace to go where I could...
The vast majority of the human experience is lived within our minds - what do we do when our minds shatter, and no amount of wishing will put them back together? When you've been fighting against your own mind for over 15 years, at what point is it acceptable to simply give in; to surrender? At what point will those left behind understand and accept and let you go? Understand it wasn't their fault, and that you loved them regardless, but that you couldn't continue fighting anymore. Accept that there was nothing they could do; they couldn't make it better or save you or cure you - no one could. Let go of the hurt and feelings of betrayal and sadness and loss and guilt - be happy that you're finally at peace, and find solace in that.
These days, the two questions I ask myself the most are, "How could I make this look accidental" and "How can I make them understand and find peace with the idea of me doing this?"
I have no good answer for the first, and no answer at all for the second.
I still wish I'd done it; I could say I don't know why I didn't, but I do know. Foremost, I don't want to leave behind debt that my family will have to take care of because my life insurance won't pay out if it's clearly suicide. Second, I don't want my family to know that I chose to end my own life. Third, Jacob figured out what I was intending and I couldn't - for whatever reason - go through with it with him trying to keep me from it in the only ways he had at his disposal.
Afterwards, on my way home - as drained as I was of all real energy - I took that failure out on him. I told him I hated him and I didn't care if he loved me, and it didn't matter to me that he cared about what happened to me. I meant every word. I still do, in a way.
I hate all of them, right now. I hate everyone who cares for me; their love tethers me to a life I don't want to live anymore.
I'm exhausted by the very thought of continuing to live. The roller coaster has lost its appeal - I'm tired of the lows, and the highs have turned sour, as well. I'm tired of waking up and being frustrated that I'm still here. I'm tired of medications that make me feel nauseous, keep me from sleeping, make my stomach hurt, give me headaches, make me dizzy, and don't seem to do anything else. I'm tired of multiple medications all in an effort to try to "stabilize" me. I'm tired of having nightmares three nights out of five for no reason whatsoever - dreams that make me wake up feeling more exhausted and sore than when I finally got to sleep. I'm tired of crying at least twice every single day. I'm tired of not knowing which emotions are real and which are "symptomatic" - they all feel real, however briefly. I'm tired of the fact that even when I'm up lately, I can't seem to feel anything resembling happiness. I laugh or sound chipper and act like things are fine - playing off the depth of what's happening - when I talk to people on the phone; I've ceased seeing anyone I care about because I can disguise it over the phone, but not face to face.
The thought of living another 30-70 more years like this not only exhausts me, it terrifies me, and causes me to breakdown. The thought of living another month like this does the same. I refuse to be honest with my family; I'm afraid they'd have me institutionalized, and if that were to happen, I would simply go over the edge - or more accurately off of this tiny ledge I landed on halfway down the cliff from where I did go over the edge.
I am most certainly a danger to myself; not an immediate one, I suppose. I spend a good portion of my time trying to figure out a way to die in a fashion that would not be deemed suspicious, and another portion of it contemplating the veins on my wrist and wishing I could just find someplace to go where I could...
The vast majority of the human experience is lived within our minds - what do we do when our minds shatter, and no amount of wishing will put them back together? When you've been fighting against your own mind for over 15 years, at what point is it acceptable to simply give in; to surrender? At what point will those left behind understand and accept and let you go? Understand it wasn't their fault, and that you loved them regardless, but that you couldn't continue fighting anymore. Accept that there was nothing they could do; they couldn't make it better or save you or cure you - no one could. Let go of the hurt and feelings of betrayal and sadness and loss and guilt - be happy that you're finally at peace, and find solace in that.
These days, the two questions I ask myself the most are, "How could I make this look accidental" and "How can I make them understand and find peace with the idea of me doing this?"
I have no good answer for the first, and no answer at all for the second.
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