Waiting...

Today, time stretches out ahead of me depressingly. Time until I get out of work, time until I'm done at the gym, time until we talk. Time until I can finally leave this job, time until I can relocate to somewhere I want to be, time until we see if this will work out between us.

It is strange how easy it can be to become so wrapped up in someone else; especially when they are enticingly beautiful in a way you haven't experienced before.

I am still well aware of myself, and attending to the things that are important to me - I try to make time to do things I might not have before; trying to keep from losing myself entirely. There is no denying, on either side, that there are thoughts of the future, although it is far too early to discuss them or truly consider them as truly a possibility. This doesn't stop the desire to do so - doesn't keep me from wanting to let go and fall.

I think the hardest part is we've known each other for several years - there's always been something there; I could never view him as simply a friend, and vice versa, although we tried. And now, with that history behind us, I think we both feel propelled forward more quickly than we otherwise would.

In other, entirely different news, as much as I dislike being back at work, it's nice to know there are those who are glad I'm back. If only I could muster some level of enthusiasm for the job, I think I could slowly become happier here - at least in the interim. Until the day I can start searching for a place and a position somewhere I wish to be.

And on a much, much geekier level - the StarCraft 2 Beta is amazing thus far. Despite my current league level, I'm enjoying it; and I'll fight my way up the ranks as soon as I master some of the strats that are out there. I find that as I get older, I become more of a gamer, rather than less of one. I also find that I'm able to balance my life out better - work, gym, starting my jewelry business, gaming, family, him. Luckily, I can combine the time I spend with him with my gaming, and we're both quite happy to do so. While it still occasionally becomes overwhelming, I realize that the balance is key - not devoting my time entirely to any one endeavor. The only downside is that I've slipped back to slightly under 6 hours of sleep per night, save for weekends. Those first three hours in the morning are hell until the caffeine kicks in.

Life...is worth the effort, worth living. I did not believe it this spring; I could not bring myself to want to draw the next breath, and did so only out of habit and instinct. Now, I have a hard time looking back, and realizing how close I was to throwing it all away. Realizing that there would have been none of the beauty of the last two months. I can still understand what it felt like, what it was like to want that; I sometimes fear I will fall back there, and there will be no escaping it; no realization that it will be better in the future.


For now, though...I am content - happy in my personal life, not actively unhappy at work. There is something of strength and beauty that sustains me.

He never fails to say words which make me breathless. To acknowledge that this is real, and strong, and that it is worth fighting and working for. It is not the only thing that makes life beautiful, but it is the thing that enhances my days and makes things more vibrant.


"Fading of the day
as night takes over
and I can almost feelyou here
Your memory remains
I breath it closer
I swear that I still feel you near
The cool wind is taking over
it’s taking over
So far away
you’re gone so long
ohh and I’m waiting
Till that dayI take you home
know that I’m waiting
know that I’m waiting
know that I’m waiting
Haunted by your grace
you know I’m falling
so cool without you
always in my mind
I hear you calling" - Dash Berlin, "Waiting"