destruction

I said recently I couldn't trust you anymore...and I still feel that way to a degree. I still feel as if you violated the trust I placed in you. I understand the reasoning, the logic, the sentiment. I know you wanted to protect me, save me, have a way to ensure I would be safe, if nothing else. It matters, but not enough to erase that feeling. I asked you to make a promise to me - I'm hoping you can keep it.

I'm struggling with something regarding you, and I don't know how to handle it, I suppose. You were always the steady one. You knew what you wanted, and you told me once you'd spent the last five years trying to get into a situation where it could work out. You had faith...you always had faith that things would work out, and now you tell me you don't. That maybe it really wasn't meant to be, and that you really aren't sure what you want anymore.

Part of it is my fault - most of it, I suppose. The events of last winter can never be erased - I can't go back in time and make everything right, although I desperately wish I could. More than anything, I wish I could go back and change things. Because I have faith now, and it kills me that you don't.

It hurts to realize that...there's someone else that holds an equal position in your life to mine. Someone else managed to become as important to you as I always was, after knowing them less than a fifth of the time you've known me - I suppose after knowing them less than a tenth as long. And that person has earned entrance into a place in your heart that I thought was sacred, and only for me. A place that after 10 years I was finally beginning to understand and realize the depth of - only now I'm realizing it may no longer exist.

I feel horrible thinking this, writing this, feeling this. I have no right at all to feel the way I do.

It's just that there was something about us that was special and unique, and I feel as if it's been tarnished and destroyed beyond repair.

And it's my own fault.