shooting, shooting, and decisions

The past few days I spent at my father's cabin in New Hampshire. It's so beautiful up there that it's hard to describe; I tried to capture some of it with my camera, and we'll see how well it went. In addition, he was kind enough to take me out and show me how to shoot - we used his Colt .357 with 38s in it, and it was an experience I'll never forget. I thought I'd be nervous; I wasn't. It turns out I'm not a terrible shot; I'm actually fairly decent for someone who has never done so before. It was interesting; I'd like to try it again in the future, I think.

I've given up on the corporate world - it's not where I want to be, not where I feel my future lies. I'm spending time gathering myself together before embarking on what I wish to do with my life, career wise. I'm slowly building the necessary stock of tools for my own jewelry workshop; it's what I love, and it's something I feel I can excel at and make a living doing. It's nice to be back to myself; I'd forgotten who I was for so long, and denied what I wanted until I was lost and unhappy and unsure of what was best for me. I need to remember never to do so again; the road ahead might be hard, but it's what I want, and what is right for me.

He is amazing; every night he reads me to sleep, and reassures me he'll still be here in the morning. I'm vulnerable enough in relationships that the reassurance does me good - I'm beginning to have some belief and trust in things moving forward. 6 more days until he's here and we discover if this is what we think it is. Glacial speeds work for me; he shows a respect for me that I didn't have but am learning, and encourages my strengths while questioning where I'm weak, and why I'm weak there. I'm finding that I am less and less reliant on other people's opinions - less reliant on his, or anyone else's, because I am remembering what it's like to know myself completely, and care for myself enough to let disapproval wash by me with no real ill effect. I'm finding myself to be beautiful - not because he thinks I am, but because he's reminded me why I am. If nothing else, that is something I will take with me going forward - I don't think I'll lose myself so thoroughly again. Yes, there will be times when the darkness eclipses everything, but I believe that I will find my way through with or without the help of other individuals.

I've rediscovered the passion in my life - I'm remembering what it feels like to be truly alive and to want and desire things, and move forward. I'm working toward happiness - it's difficult, but I'm doing so regardless.