burn

Today I am sinking and burning simultaneously. Tomorrow evening will bring relief - for now, patience is something I lack in entirety.

Vascillation between calm and confident patience and despairing impatience. My moods change daily, hourly, minute to minute. Underneath, a strong sense of confidence and calm; occasionally disturbed, but underlying and stronger than to entirely be swept aside by the currents of the shallow moment to moment state of emotions in which I normally find myself.

There are too many minutes between now and then - I will not falter, but the impatience races through my veins like a drug, burning as it does so.

"Have faith"

"Have faith," she tells me, and as much as it grates sometimes - scrapes along the edges of my nerves and ignites my frustration, it usually turns out that she's right. These are not wordsshe has oft spoken until recently - the last few years have brought about this belief - this faith. That if you have faith and trust, things will work for the best.

I am not practiced or terribly able with this - faith is new to me. I am, if not a pessimist, most certainly a realist. However, the more I trust, the more I find she is right. The problems and obstacles begin to be brushed aside as if in answer to my desperation and prayers. Not simply cleared aside, but eased; lessened enough to allow me to shoulder them and continue onward.

It saddens me, a bit, to feel that something I cherished has ended - or ended for now, because who knows what the future holds - but I realize it is the best thing for me; it is the healthiest thing for me. It's what I need to have happen so that I can move forward, gather my life together and remain as committed to the future we hope for with an easy and clear heart.

People change, and sometimes you need to let them leave your life.

And then there are people who change and are ready to become part of your life, and step forward to let you know.

Both have happened to me in the past few months. The first is exponentially more difficult than the second, but I'm trying to learn and understand it.

This was not what I intended to write - what I intended to write was that I am finding that the more faith I have, the more reasons I find to have it.

The time has come to talk of many things...

The time has come to set aside those things which do not make me happy. To realize and understand that sometimes time is needed to make things better, and there's nothing that can be done to change that.

To realize that the happiness I feel is actually real - that this is actually real, and not some sort of daydream; not something to get me through and make me feel better. That this person exists and is everything I thought he was, and that he sees through the past and the walls I throw up and sees...me. As I am, and for who and what I am - with no false expectations or ideals. I am not on a pedestal, and neither is he. We stand on even ground, facing one another and realizing that this will not be easy but that we are both committed to it, to each other.

chasm

How in the world are we supposed to make this work?

Today, I am feeling defeated. Time, I can deal with - because I know it will pass. But this...aside from the time it will take to be ready, the lack of feasible employment in the area is truly and depressingly worrisome. How can I ever make this work - how will I manage to find something suitable?

Today, the distance stretches out in front of me like a chasm which I have not the means (now or in the future) to cross.

waiting game

I hate feeling helpless - unable to change the course or direction that things will take. I have no choice in the matter - no acceptable alternative than to continue along this path, and await its conclusion.

I am currently stuck in a catch-22. Money keeps me tied to my current position and geographical location; my current location is one of the most expensive in the nation - if I lived somewhere less expensive, I could afford to make less. However, current debts prevent me from relocating until they are paid off - which is difficult to do, even taking into account my current level of income. If I lived somewhere more affordable, I could pay them off more quickly, but I'd also be making less money which would impinge my ability to do so.

I do not wish to continue living here. I do not wish to stay in my current position. My current residence is more expensive than I can afford, but I made a promise I would live here to someone I do not wish to disappoint. Additionally, I cannot guarantee that if I lived somewhere else, within the same basic geographical area, that it would be much less expensive than where I am now.

It will most likely be a year to two years before I can move to where I wish to be. I know he'll wait; I know I'll wait. The time weighs on me; not unbearably, but in a manner that causes me to feel utterly helpless - unable to move forward, and disliking the feeling of treading water.

I fear that a year will slide into two and drift into three and eventually there will be nothing left to hold on to; nothing left to wait for. I know better, but it still causes consternation. I have never been the most patient person; now is no different, except that I know I must take care of things here before I move on to the next step. I simply hate having to wait to do so.

Waiting...

Today, time stretches out ahead of me depressingly. Time until I get out of work, time until I'm done at the gym, time until we talk. Time until I can finally leave this job, time until I can relocate to somewhere I want to be, time until we see if this will work out between us.

It is strange how easy it can be to become so wrapped up in someone else; especially when they are enticingly beautiful in a way you haven't experienced before.

I am still well aware of myself, and attending to the things that are important to me - I try to make time to do things I might not have before; trying to keep from losing myself entirely. There is no denying, on either side, that there are thoughts of the future, although it is far too early to discuss them or truly consider them as truly a possibility. This doesn't stop the desire to do so - doesn't keep me from wanting to let go and fall.

I think the hardest part is we've known each other for several years - there's always been something there; I could never view him as simply a friend, and vice versa, although we tried. And now, with that history behind us, I think we both feel propelled forward more quickly than we otherwise would.

In other, entirely different news, as much as I dislike being back at work, it's nice to know there are those who are glad I'm back. If only I could muster some level of enthusiasm for the job, I think I could slowly become happier here - at least in the interim. Until the day I can start searching for a place and a position somewhere I wish to be.

And on a much, much geekier level - the StarCraft 2 Beta is amazing thus far. Despite my current league level, I'm enjoying it; and I'll fight my way up the ranks as soon as I master some of the strats that are out there. I find that as I get older, I become more of a gamer, rather than less of one. I also find that I'm able to balance my life out better - work, gym, starting my jewelry business, gaming, family, him. Luckily, I can combine the time I spend with him with my gaming, and we're both quite happy to do so. While it still occasionally becomes overwhelming, I realize that the balance is key - not devoting my time entirely to any one endeavor. The only downside is that I've slipped back to slightly under 6 hours of sleep per night, save for weekends. Those first three hours in the morning are hell until the caffeine kicks in.

Life...is worth the effort, worth living. I did not believe it this spring; I could not bring myself to want to draw the next breath, and did so only out of habit and instinct. Now, I have a hard time looking back, and realizing how close I was to throwing it all away. Realizing that there would have been none of the beauty of the last two months. I can still understand what it felt like, what it was like to want that; I sometimes fear I will fall back there, and there will be no escaping it; no realization that it will be better in the future.


For now, though...I am content - happy in my personal life, not actively unhappy at work. There is something of strength and beauty that sustains me.

He never fails to say words which make me breathless. To acknowledge that this is real, and strong, and that it is worth fighting and working for. It is not the only thing that makes life beautiful, but it is the thing that enhances my days and makes things more vibrant.


"Fading of the day
as night takes over
and I can almost feelyou here
Your memory remains
I breath it closer
I swear that I still feel you near
The cool wind is taking over
it’s taking over
So far away
you’re gone so long
ohh and I’m waiting
Till that dayI take you home
know that I’m waiting
know that I’m waiting
know that I’m waiting
Haunted by your grace
you know I’m falling
so cool without you
always in my mind
I hear you calling" - Dash Berlin, "Waiting"

cooler heads prevail

I've agreed not to think about leaving just because I'm trying to save him from something. Going forward, I'll discuss it with him, not run. Without physical touch or presence, he brought me back to him last night with a few simple, quiet questions that made me look at my logic, and realize it was flawed. Without directly saying so, he pointed out that in trying to leave so he'd be happier, I neglected to consider the fact that I make him happy.

He understands that he'll never have to fight for me against someone else's attentions, but that he may have to fight against my own fears and mistakes. And he's willing to, and I'm willing to fight against his.

"Would you really let go of what we have because of something like this?"

No, I guess I wouldn't.

For all of the amazement and happiness, I still find myself having to fight against disappearing. Not because of anything he's done but because my past haunts me, and I don't feel I deserve this. Don't wish to drag him into all of it. I want something better for him than me.

I wish I could put into words all of the things I'm feeling. I have neither the time nor the ability. My head is not in the clouds, there are no butterflies in my stomach, the sense of something new and intriguing and so forth has worn off.

Underneath that is something amazingly beautiful. Someone who sees me, rather than what they want to see or expect to see. Someone who understands that physical touch is merely an echo, a vague and shallow representation of what exists.

No matter how I write it, it won't sound quite right to me. So I think I'll simply stop.