grey day

I woke up feeling peaceful, and slid downward into grey nothingness. There's a void somewhere in me that yawns ahead like a chasm I cannot - and do not understand how to - fill or cross. I feel distant from everyone, and everything today, with no rhyme or reason or explanation for it. I simply want to disappear - to run until I find someplace that doesn't look or feel grey to me; someplace that feels warm and filled with colors and emotions. I'm afraid I won't be able to find my way back, though I know that's illogical - I always do, one way or another. It's just hard to figure out how to when I'm being pulled in differing directions; when my time is not my own and my surroundings are not familiar or mine. If I were home, perhaps I would sleep for the day, or perhaps I would go down to the ocean and stare over the water. I'm not in a dangerous to myself mood - not yet; I'm simply in a slowly sinking into darkness mood. It's normal, I know it is, but what worries me is that it doesn't worry me at all. I lack the desire to care or stop the descent - I want to take all of the medications and throw them into the ocean - watch them dissolve in a fit of rebellion. I want to just let myself be without the assistance of chemicals that attempt to keep a delicate balance from falling apart.

I won't do anything to myself, but lord knows I want to.

possible perfection

There's a fairly long checklist of things I'd want in a man. I'm picky, choosy, and difficult to please. I guess I'm waiting for the right person at the right time - but aren't we all?

I've stumbled across someone who...reminds me of some of the things that I wanted in a man; who reminds me by being them. Things I'd forgotten were important to me, and things I hadn't realized I wanted. I'm not saying this is going anywhere, I'm just saying maybe it's time I put that list of things I want into writing.

He doesn't have to be a pushover, but has to be able to see my point of view and accept where I'm coming from. I need someone who makes me understand I'm the only woman in his life, but without being overly burdensome and clingy - just solid, and consistently there; someone who puts me first when it's right to do so, and has me at the forefront of his mind, rather than doing things solely to please himself.

Romantic. Not candle light dinner romantic, not champagne and caviar. Blankets under the stars in the summer, words that have some depth and meaning behind them, promises that aren't made for the sake of making promises.

Steadfast. I want, need, and deserve someone who knows his own mind - who doesn't waiver when he sees what he wants, and works to make it his. Who isn't afraid to let me know what he's thinking or feeling and isn't afraid to tell me he won't let me disappear, or he'll do his damnedest to keep me from doing so. I could write a novel on the idea of steadfastness, and how it's been lacking in my relationships for a very long time. It's something I'm worth having - I'm worth a man who knows what he wants and sticks to that.

Old fashioned. I'm tired of throwing myself away with people who aren't worth it. I'm tired of rushing into things with the wrong people at the wrong times. I want a gentleman who's comfortable with taking things slowly, and respects me enough to do so. Someone who has some self restraint and isn't afraid or displeased to use it.

Laid back and funny. I'm neurotic - I'm high strung and not what one would term easy going. I need someone by my side who IS easy going and laid back; someone who can just laugh and hold me when I get wound up so tightly I might just fly apart. The funny part is self explanatory - I need someone who can make me laugh; I think almost everyone does.

Financially responsible. I'm tired of being the one to support the people I'm dating. I'm not looking to be supported, and I'm not looking to support someone else ever again.

Personally responsible. I don't feel like being someone's substitute mother - I'm tired of doing household chores for the people I date, and of bending over backwards to make their lives easier when they rarely lift a finger to do the same. I deserve better. I will have better.

Conservative, and strong - comfortable and capable with firearms. Not gun or trigger happy, just competent and at ease.

I really just want a laid back southern man who thinks the world of me, and isn't afraid to admit to it. It appears I might just have one.

things I'd say if I had the courage

Things are so jumbled right now.

NS: You're too understanding - you're beautiful. You say I am, but the truth is that you are, and I'm just a glorious mess. But you understand that, all too well. You've seen the mess, and you've seen the other parts as well. You aren't anything other than supportive and sweet. I needed that, needed you to show up again. Needed my stranger, and who knows what that will entail. I've stopped trying to figure it out - I've tried to be as laid back about this as you are about life. It's harder than it sounds, I have no idea how you do it.

JM: You're too confusing for me, right now. I feel hurt but at the same time I just simply don't care anymore. I'm too tired and too burnt out to care about our friendship or anything else. I wish I could, but I can't. The things I tried to say came out all wrong and I ended up sounding like I was bitter or resentful, neither of which is true anymore. I give up - I don't think things will ever quite work out; either for friendship or anything else. And that's okay. It hurts to say I don't believe in our friendship anymore, but I don't. I just don't think we're good for each other.

JS: You're more like me than I ever imagined, and I think it's funny how we grow closer as we get older. I love it. I missed you, I MISS you. Why did you have to move away? I'd trade the house and the pool and everything if you'd just come back. I love it here, but it's your home, and I want you to be the one living here.

VH & KK: The two of you have been a godsend lately. You've kept me amused and distracted and busy. You've shown me that you care on a consistent and regular basis, and I'm thankful for it, and for you. I haven't been the easiest to be around lately, but you've both been awesome about it.

I might be waking up. I don't know...I feel more awake than I have in a long time, but I'm tentative - cautious.

NS: There's so much more I want to say, but neither of us is ready to say the things we're thinking. I love that - love knowing there's more for us to say and that there's no hurry to say any of it.

vernal

I forgot how much fun it is to swap music suggestions and spend far too long on the phone. It cheered me up, in ways I didn't realize I needed. Perhaps it's just nice to feel like it's a privilege for someone to spend time talking to me, rather than an obligation. I've felt much like an obligation lately - to everyone. It wears on me, very quickly.

This morning was the first morning since we moved here that I woke up and there were deer in the backyard. There was only one, but it made me smile, because I know it means that spring is almost here, and they'll be back, drifting through the orchard in the mornings. I never get past how beautiful they are; slender legs wrapped in mist, necks bent down to the ground as they graze; white tails high as they bound away if they hear a noise that is unfamiliar...

For the first time in a long time, I feel content this morning. Not perfect, but comfortable in my own skin. As if my internal seasons are slowly turning toward spring, along with the earth's. Things are not (and will not be) absolutely wonderful, but they're a little bit better...I feel as if parts of me are waking up and remembering who I am.

if wishes were horses

The only thing I truly want right now is to curl up and fall asleep while someone safe and trustworthy holds me. Nothing more complex or intense than that - it's not even a romantic desire; just the need to feel safe and cared about for a night.

destruction

I said recently I couldn't trust you anymore...and I still feel that way to a degree. I still feel as if you violated the trust I placed in you. I understand the reasoning, the logic, the sentiment. I know you wanted to protect me, save me, have a way to ensure I would be safe, if nothing else. It matters, but not enough to erase that feeling. I asked you to make a promise to me - I'm hoping you can keep it.

I'm struggling with something regarding you, and I don't know how to handle it, I suppose. You were always the steady one. You knew what you wanted, and you told me once you'd spent the last five years trying to get into a situation where it could work out. You had faith...you always had faith that things would work out, and now you tell me you don't. That maybe it really wasn't meant to be, and that you really aren't sure what you want anymore.

Part of it is my fault - most of it, I suppose. The events of last winter can never be erased - I can't go back in time and make everything right, although I desperately wish I could. More than anything, I wish I could go back and change things. Because I have faith now, and it kills me that you don't.

It hurts to realize that...there's someone else that holds an equal position in your life to mine. Someone else managed to become as important to you as I always was, after knowing them less than a fifth of the time you've known me - I suppose after knowing them less than a tenth as long. And that person has earned entrance into a place in your heart that I thought was sacred, and only for me. A place that after 10 years I was finally beginning to understand and realize the depth of - only now I'm realizing it may no longer exist.

I feel horrible thinking this, writing this, feeling this. I have no right at all to feel the way I do.

It's just that there was something about us that was special and unique, and I feel as if it's been tarnished and destroyed beyond repair.

And it's my own fault.

surf

I feel as if I'm going crazy...
...
well.

Summertime at the ocean, and you're bobbing out past the point where the ocean floor begins to drop off. Waiting for a wave to ride in, and you can feel the water lifting you up gently before rolling past you, caressing your skin; your arms and legs and shoulders...

Finally, you choose a swell, and position yourself just so... you feel yourself lifted, lifted...and there's a sense of elation, it's almost like flying, only more intimate. Underneath it, the tiniest thread of fear, because you can feel the drop building underneath you. There will come a moment when the wave breaks, and if you're not positioned just right, you'll either miss the ride entirely, or end up tumbled, slammed into sand and shells and thrown about like a rag doll, only to surface gasping and spitting salt water and grit from your mouth, your face raw and scraped.

If you've gotten it just right...you'll glide in; coasting with a speed you can't get under your own power, pushed forward - momentum granted by the entirety of the ocean behind you. Perfection.

I don't have it just right...I'm up, and I can feel it cresting, and I know I won't miss the ride, or catch it properly. I'm trying to take a deep breath before I go under.

sea change

If I were braver, I'd get a nagivator's star - a compass rose - tattooed on my shoulder, to remind me that no matter how lost I am, I will eventually find my way.

I haven't yet; I'm still struggling, reeling. I suppose I have hope, though it's not really what it feels like at this point. More numb acceptance that I can't just quit, so I need to muddle a way through.

I think the hardest part right now isn't feeling as if this has taken over my whole life, but realizing it's been in control of my life for a very long time - I've been in the driver's seat, but not as much as I should have been.

I feel as if I'm spinning, and have nothing to grab hold of - nothing to reel me in and stop me from going in circles and cycles. Constantly questioning my emotions - are they real, or a figment? Am I upset, or will this fall away in a few hours as well?

I've been so angry...for the last few years, I suppose. I took it out on whomever was in my direct path - I was...irrational about the people I loved; both in the way I treated them, and what I expected from them. I pushed away the people who were the closest to me for no real reason that I can fathom, except perhaps fear.

Even now, I lash out and get angry and upset...and it's gone by the next day. It's disconcerting, and upsetting - sometimes it's gone within minutes, and I'm left trying to take deep breaths in between the tears, and I don't understand any of it. Jacob's gotten...the worst of it, really. I suppose because there's some mechanism in place to keep me from showing this to my family - he's the person I can be most honest with, and of course that means he ends up dealing with almost all of the hard moments. I won't say the worst moments - I refuse to let anyone see those, still. I have a hard enough time getting through them without trying to let anyone in.

I've been very up for the last day or two...today especially. Not really happy, per se, but just up...energetic, fun to be around (today), laughing and making jokes. There's a hollowness to it, but I accept it for what it is right now - a day that's better than the rest, even if it's not...normal. Although honestly, I currently have no concept of normal.

I think...the best thing I've realized over the last few days is that despite what anyone else's expectations of me - and of what I should be doing in the next month or two - may be, mine are somewhat more important. I told Jacob that if I need the time to finally get this in order, to finally take the time and the opportunity to get control of this, I'm going to take it. Regardless of what anyone else might expect, if I need to do this to get...back to where I was during the few periods of normalcy...I will. And I'll take however much time I might need to do so.

That might be the first truly positive thought I've had in awhile. The first commitment I've made to actually fighting. It scares me to think how tired I've become, and how little I want to fight. The last 24 hours or so have held a few simple pleasures - a few small things to look forward to - and right now, maybe that's enough to keep going until I have another incentive to keep going, and another. You can't live because other people want you to - you have to find reasons of your own. I'm working on remembering what mine were, deciding which are still valid for me, and finding new reasons. Tired as I am, and as hard as this is and as much as I feel like nothing more than a miniature waterfall lately, I'm...getting ready to fight again.


Everyone thinks of a sea change as incredibly fast - a mere instant in time. It's...not.

The original meaning was...a change brought about by the sea, not a change occurring in the sea itself. Something gradual and slow; something that right now, I can relate to.

"Nothing of him that doth fade
But doth suffer a sea-change
Into something rich and strange. "

At this moment in time, I'm learning to accept that might be what I need...

ebb tide

The tide is going out, and receding with it are all of the dreams and hopes I'd held for my future.

Meaning it for the first time, wondering aloud and considering the truth, I stated, "I really don't think I'll ever have children now, all things considered."

And for the first time, my mother agreed that it probably wasn't the best idea.

The plans I'd laid, the career I wanted, the life I'd hoped for...seemingly impossible, now. This has robbed me of so much, and I feel it's only just begun.

The career is almost certainly impossible. The life - well, it included normal things, I suppose - maybe getting married and having children someday. My career choice and how I envisioned that family may not have been the most common of choices, but they were mine, and they meant something to me.

Knowing I won't be able to do what I want to for employment...knowing that having children isn't a good or healthy choice...I begin to wonder about even the possibility of getting married. I'm always going to be like this, to some degree. I can't imagine anyone who would be able to put up with it - even Jacob couldn't.

Reality - a strange concept. It's fluid, subjective, deceitful. My reality differs so much from that of my brother or mother or best friend that they're close to being irreconcilable.

Under the music, there were voices. I turned the radio off, feeling like my head was going to burst. Would have pulled over and cried, but I knew it wouldn't do any good. My vision jumps and blurs and confuses me - was that a leaf, an animal, a hallucination?

And at night, paranoia sets in. The normal settling noises of the house convince me there's someone else here with me. Two nights ago I told Jacob I was firmly convinced that either there was someone else in the house, or the house was haunted. I meant it at the time...now, it seems beyond ridiculous.

I can't tell if it's the medications making things worse, or if they're just getting worse on their own. I don't want to be honest with my doctor, I hate admitting to these things to either anyone who knows me, or whom I have to look in the eyes.

Dreams...beyond strange. They'd be nightmares, but they've stopped scaring me. I'm numb to them at this point, I think.

Fold my soul up and carry it away - as far away as you can go - then release it over the ocean and let me go. That's all I really want...this is beyond what I have the energy to deal with.

the blessedness of silence

"So you need to talk to me...what's going on?"

"Are you really sure you want to know? Are you sure you're ready for what I'm going to say - it's not good. You have to promise not to freak out."

"Okay. Tell me."

And so I did. And after I told him, he freaked out. I guess it's understandable - I'm his little sister, and things aren't right in my head by any means. And as much as I may want to negate my own existence; to stamp it out entirely, I know...they won't let me. Even if they can't actually stop me... their existence does.

And so...I'm trapped.

I hate knowing I'm putting them through this. I'm the kind of person who - if I was diagnosed with cancer - most likely wouldn't tell anyone at all, because I don't want other people to have to deal with what I consider to be solely my own problems.

This time, though - I've truly fallen apart and lost my mind. It's impossible for them not to see, to sense, to know that something isn't right.

"I only found out a couple of weeks ago that you've been on medication since you were 14...and I'm your brother. That hurt, you know?"

I know.

It hurt me, too. But not as much as it hurts knowing you know.

Tonight appears to be another night of no sleep and writing absolutely nothing of consequence... too many of those, lately.