things I'd say if I had the courage

Things are so jumbled right now.

NS: You're too understanding - you're beautiful. You say I am, but the truth is that you are, and I'm just a glorious mess. But you understand that, all too well. You've seen the mess, and you've seen the other parts as well. You aren't anything other than supportive and sweet. I needed that, needed you to show up again. Needed my stranger, and who knows what that will entail. I've stopped trying to figure it out - I've tried to be as laid back about this as you are about life. It's harder than it sounds, I have no idea how you do it.

JM: You're too confusing for me, right now. I feel hurt but at the same time I just simply don't care anymore. I'm too tired and too burnt out to care about our friendship or anything else. I wish I could, but I can't. The things I tried to say came out all wrong and I ended up sounding like I was bitter or resentful, neither of which is true anymore. I give up - I don't think things will ever quite work out; either for friendship or anything else. And that's okay. It hurts to say I don't believe in our friendship anymore, but I don't. I just don't think we're good for each other.

JS: You're more like me than I ever imagined, and I think it's funny how we grow closer as we get older. I love it. I missed you, I MISS you. Why did you have to move away? I'd trade the house and the pool and everything if you'd just come back. I love it here, but it's your home, and I want you to be the one living here.

VH & KK: The two of you have been a godsend lately. You've kept me amused and distracted and busy. You've shown me that you care on a consistent and regular basis, and I'm thankful for it, and for you. I haven't been the easiest to be around lately, but you've both been awesome about it.

I might be waking up. I don't know...I feel more awake than I have in a long time, but I'm tentative - cautious.

NS: There's so much more I want to say, but neither of us is ready to say the things we're thinking. I love that - love knowing there's more for us to say and that there's no hurry to say any of it.