grey day

I woke up feeling peaceful, and slid downward into grey nothingness. There's a void somewhere in me that yawns ahead like a chasm I cannot - and do not understand how to - fill or cross. I feel distant from everyone, and everything today, with no rhyme or reason or explanation for it. I simply want to disappear - to run until I find someplace that doesn't look or feel grey to me; someplace that feels warm and filled with colors and emotions. I'm afraid I won't be able to find my way back, though I know that's illogical - I always do, one way or another. It's just hard to figure out how to when I'm being pulled in differing directions; when my time is not my own and my surroundings are not familiar or mine. If I were home, perhaps I would sleep for the day, or perhaps I would go down to the ocean and stare over the water. I'm not in a dangerous to myself mood - not yet; I'm simply in a slowly sinking into darkness mood. It's normal, I know it is, but what worries me is that it doesn't worry me at all. I lack the desire to care or stop the descent - I want to take all of the medications and throw them into the ocean - watch them dissolve in a fit of rebellion. I want to just let myself be without the assistance of chemicals that attempt to keep a delicate balance from falling apart.

I won't do anything to myself, but lord knows I want to.