I'm never going to be free of him. It's been 10 years, and there are still vestiges and remainders and things that I cannot free myself of at this point. The past has a stranglehold on me that I struggle to break, but may not be able to.
I feel strangled - more so even than when he had his hands around my throat with rage and hatred in his eyes. He said he'd kill me; I believed him. Sometimes, I wonder if it wouldn't have been for the best - my future remains tethered to my past until I can fight my way clear.
I know, intellectually, I will eventually be free - of the things I put my signature to, and the man (boy. monster.) for whom I did so. It still breaks my heart to realize how much of my life has been paid out to him, in tears, blood, money, heartache.
I just want it over with - I wish we'd never met. Except that without that meeting, things would be so different I would not know the man I know today. Would not love him or have him in my life. I would not have that - but sometimes I still wish for a freedom that I wonder if I will ever have.
2 comments:
First of all, you ARE able to break the stranglehold. What you are really saying is that you don't feel as though you can do it alone, and that may be the case. If so, you just need some help. But as long as you feel as though it is impossible, it WILL be impossible.
There is nothing wrong with needing some assistance in matters like this. We ALL need some help from time to time. We're only human. Please get some. Life is too short to delay putting events like this into your past, instead of continually seeing them in your present/future.
I wish you the best of luck.
Please do not mistake my words; they were not as clear as perhaps they could have been.
I walked away from the person in question 10 years ago. There are things that still remain - loans I signed my name to, memories I cannot erase. Most days I am able to face it, shrug it off, continue moving forward. Every once in awhile, though, it locks me back into the old thoughts and feelings, and I struggle to break free of them. Today was such a day, a day when I rail against the mistakes I made in the past, and their impact upon my present and my future. There's no going back and undoing what has been done, but sometimes, I would have it so.
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