peace

Yes. This is being home; this is what it feels like when things collide in just the right fashion.

Glacially slow is amazing.

forward motion

One day...tomorrow evening.

There are things neither of us has said, and things we have said, and there's weight attached to this. Reality will come creeping in tomorrow, and we're both inviting it to do so - we want to know, need to know, I suppose.

The beginning of a journey I've wanted for a long time begins next week - my supplies and tools will finally be arriving, I'll set up my workshop, and then? And then.

Breathe - so many things are beginning and ending and breathing is the way you get through them.

Fuck the meds, I hate how they feel and I hate questioning if I'm really myself. I'm giving it a try sans any chemical assistance for a bit. If I fall off the deep end, if it's true that I cannot govern myself without the help of something I despise, then I'll despise it and accept it. Otherwise, I want to try this alone. I can't tell anyone aside from him, and her, because they're the only two who truly understand it, and I'd rather not cause panic for everyone else while I do this. I don't need the judgment or the lectures; I need my own strength and a little understanding.

I just want to be myself, and I'm on the way to that; I'm tracing the steps to my dreams, and moving forward fearlessly. There's plenty to fear, but I refuse to do so. It's time to move forward - purpose, intent, confidence and assurance. Let everything else fade away into the background.

Beautiful Morning

Sun and warmth and flowers and a lightness to my heart that I am slowly beginning to get used to. A return to myself, and an exploration of something that may turn out to be the most real thing I've experienced. Acceptance of who I am, with no desire to rehash or discuss my past, my mistakes, the things I've done wrong.

And yet, there are things today that I wish not to be faced with - emptying out the flooded area that was my basement, trying to price out tools and supplies to begin what I wish to do with my life, creating a budget for myself going forward, and trying to figure what to do with my life in the meantime...

Basement first; life after.

shooting, shooting, and decisions

The past few days I spent at my father's cabin in New Hampshire. It's so beautiful up there that it's hard to describe; I tried to capture some of it with my camera, and we'll see how well it went. In addition, he was kind enough to take me out and show me how to shoot - we used his Colt .357 with 38s in it, and it was an experience I'll never forget. I thought I'd be nervous; I wasn't. It turns out I'm not a terrible shot; I'm actually fairly decent for someone who has never done so before. It was interesting; I'd like to try it again in the future, I think.

I've given up on the corporate world - it's not where I want to be, not where I feel my future lies. I'm spending time gathering myself together before embarking on what I wish to do with my life, career wise. I'm slowly building the necessary stock of tools for my own jewelry workshop; it's what I love, and it's something I feel I can excel at and make a living doing. It's nice to be back to myself; I'd forgotten who I was for so long, and denied what I wanted until I was lost and unhappy and unsure of what was best for me. I need to remember never to do so again; the road ahead might be hard, but it's what I want, and what is right for me.

He is amazing; every night he reads me to sleep, and reassures me he'll still be here in the morning. I'm vulnerable enough in relationships that the reassurance does me good - I'm beginning to have some belief and trust in things moving forward. 6 more days until he's here and we discover if this is what we think it is. Glacial speeds work for me; he shows a respect for me that I didn't have but am learning, and encourages my strengths while questioning where I'm weak, and why I'm weak there. I'm finding that I am less and less reliant on other people's opinions - less reliant on his, or anyone else's, because I am remembering what it's like to know myself completely, and care for myself enough to let disapproval wash by me with no real ill effect. I'm finding myself to be beautiful - not because he thinks I am, but because he's reminded me why I am. If nothing else, that is something I will take with me going forward - I don't think I'll lose myself so thoroughly again. Yes, there will be times when the darkness eclipses everything, but I believe that I will find my way through with or without the help of other individuals.

I've rediscovered the passion in my life - I'm remembering what it feels like to be truly alive and to want and desire things, and move forward. I'm working toward happiness - it's difficult, but I'm doing so regardless.

grey day

I woke up feeling peaceful, and slid downward into grey nothingness. There's a void somewhere in me that yawns ahead like a chasm I cannot - and do not understand how to - fill or cross. I feel distant from everyone, and everything today, with no rhyme or reason or explanation for it. I simply want to disappear - to run until I find someplace that doesn't look or feel grey to me; someplace that feels warm and filled with colors and emotions. I'm afraid I won't be able to find my way back, though I know that's illogical - I always do, one way or another. It's just hard to figure out how to when I'm being pulled in differing directions; when my time is not my own and my surroundings are not familiar or mine. If I were home, perhaps I would sleep for the day, or perhaps I would go down to the ocean and stare over the water. I'm not in a dangerous to myself mood - not yet; I'm simply in a slowly sinking into darkness mood. It's normal, I know it is, but what worries me is that it doesn't worry me at all. I lack the desire to care or stop the descent - I want to take all of the medications and throw them into the ocean - watch them dissolve in a fit of rebellion. I want to just let myself be without the assistance of chemicals that attempt to keep a delicate balance from falling apart.

I won't do anything to myself, but lord knows I want to.

possible perfection

There's a fairly long checklist of things I'd want in a man. I'm picky, choosy, and difficult to please. I guess I'm waiting for the right person at the right time - but aren't we all?

I've stumbled across someone who...reminds me of some of the things that I wanted in a man; who reminds me by being them. Things I'd forgotten were important to me, and things I hadn't realized I wanted. I'm not saying this is going anywhere, I'm just saying maybe it's time I put that list of things I want into writing.

He doesn't have to be a pushover, but has to be able to see my point of view and accept where I'm coming from. I need someone who makes me understand I'm the only woman in his life, but without being overly burdensome and clingy - just solid, and consistently there; someone who puts me first when it's right to do so, and has me at the forefront of his mind, rather than doing things solely to please himself.

Romantic. Not candle light dinner romantic, not champagne and caviar. Blankets under the stars in the summer, words that have some depth and meaning behind them, promises that aren't made for the sake of making promises.

Steadfast. I want, need, and deserve someone who knows his own mind - who doesn't waiver when he sees what he wants, and works to make it his. Who isn't afraid to let me know what he's thinking or feeling and isn't afraid to tell me he won't let me disappear, or he'll do his damnedest to keep me from doing so. I could write a novel on the idea of steadfastness, and how it's been lacking in my relationships for a very long time. It's something I'm worth having - I'm worth a man who knows what he wants and sticks to that.

Old fashioned. I'm tired of throwing myself away with people who aren't worth it. I'm tired of rushing into things with the wrong people at the wrong times. I want a gentleman who's comfortable with taking things slowly, and respects me enough to do so. Someone who has some self restraint and isn't afraid or displeased to use it.

Laid back and funny. I'm neurotic - I'm high strung and not what one would term easy going. I need someone by my side who IS easy going and laid back; someone who can just laugh and hold me when I get wound up so tightly I might just fly apart. The funny part is self explanatory - I need someone who can make me laugh; I think almost everyone does.

Financially responsible. I'm tired of being the one to support the people I'm dating. I'm not looking to be supported, and I'm not looking to support someone else ever again.

Personally responsible. I don't feel like being someone's substitute mother - I'm tired of doing household chores for the people I date, and of bending over backwards to make their lives easier when they rarely lift a finger to do the same. I deserve better. I will have better.

Conservative, and strong - comfortable and capable with firearms. Not gun or trigger happy, just competent and at ease.

I really just want a laid back southern man who thinks the world of me, and isn't afraid to admit to it. It appears I might just have one.

things I'd say if I had the courage

Things are so jumbled right now.

NS: You're too understanding - you're beautiful. You say I am, but the truth is that you are, and I'm just a glorious mess. But you understand that, all too well. You've seen the mess, and you've seen the other parts as well. You aren't anything other than supportive and sweet. I needed that, needed you to show up again. Needed my stranger, and who knows what that will entail. I've stopped trying to figure it out - I've tried to be as laid back about this as you are about life. It's harder than it sounds, I have no idea how you do it.

JM: You're too confusing for me, right now. I feel hurt but at the same time I just simply don't care anymore. I'm too tired and too burnt out to care about our friendship or anything else. I wish I could, but I can't. The things I tried to say came out all wrong and I ended up sounding like I was bitter or resentful, neither of which is true anymore. I give up - I don't think things will ever quite work out; either for friendship or anything else. And that's okay. It hurts to say I don't believe in our friendship anymore, but I don't. I just don't think we're good for each other.

JS: You're more like me than I ever imagined, and I think it's funny how we grow closer as we get older. I love it. I missed you, I MISS you. Why did you have to move away? I'd trade the house and the pool and everything if you'd just come back. I love it here, but it's your home, and I want you to be the one living here.

VH & KK: The two of you have been a godsend lately. You've kept me amused and distracted and busy. You've shown me that you care on a consistent and regular basis, and I'm thankful for it, and for you. I haven't been the easiest to be around lately, but you've both been awesome about it.

I might be waking up. I don't know...I feel more awake than I have in a long time, but I'm tentative - cautious.

NS: There's so much more I want to say, but neither of us is ready to say the things we're thinking. I love that - love knowing there's more for us to say and that there's no hurry to say any of it.