hibernate

I am so tired. I just want to lay down and go to sleep and not think or do or exist for awhile. I know that this, too, will pass; I also know that my brain is running in far too many circles for me to be able to sleep.

Beginnings

As of April 30, 2011, I will no longer bear the name that I have for my entire life. I will join my life with his and we will move forward together, sharing a life.

He is amazing. I am happier than I thought I could be in a relationship.

I will be moving to South Carolina - jumping off a cliff, financially - to spend the rest of my life with this man.

Despite the financial instability, there is no fear and no doubt.

Waiting for this is the most peaceful impatience I've ever experienced.

staging

Well, nothing's ever perfect - right? And sometimes things just fall apart and sometimes they don't and sometimes it seems like that's exactly what's happening, but it's really a mirage - buildings burning in your imagination when in reality it's all just smoke and mirrors.

Smoke and mirrors...sometimes I wonder if I fashion illusions for myself based upon what I want to see, what I want to think and feel and believe. If I'm willing to accept and believe things I should be wary of, because I'm thirsty for a reality that does not, and will never, exist.

Overly dramatic - grease paint and maudlin sentiments and I've tricked myself into believing I'm trapped inside a theater of the absurd where chiffon got draped over the spotlight and now the entire wretched affair is alight with flames. It's not that bad - nothing's wrong, nothing's right, and in my mind's eye I've created a tragedy.

So which direction, which illusion, to believe? Which is reality, and which is fantasy? Neither, both, a combination of the two most likely. Beset by my own confusions and wonderings, I find that I do not know if I have the strength or desire to triangulate on the truth tonight.

ruminations

I have stopped wondering, stopped worrying, and stopped doubting.

The only unhappiness now is my desperation to leave New England and make my way down South. I've applied for positions within and without my company and am impatiently waiting to hear back.

It's not that I don't want to be happy - I do. It's just that there's always so much trepidation on my part.

Do I believe that he loves me? Yes. Do I believe he means the things he says? Yes. Do I believe that will last? I have no earthly idea. I want to believe it, but I have a hard time of doing so.

Just because someone needs to fall apart sometimes doesn't mean they are a weak person.

He and I have differing views on some things which are important to me, and to him. I honestly don't know if it's enough to break us - our views aren't so very different in most things, but there are a few things that...I don't know if I can agree with him on.

I love him; more than I thought I had it in me to love someone anymore. I want to move forward - for us to build a life together. I'm just sometimes afraid that we might not make it that far.

Sometimes, I'm as sure of it as I am that gravity exists. Sometimes, I couldn't say for sure.

evolution

I know it sounds silly...ridiculous...but I haven't felt this...settled, and truly comfortable with someone in ages, if ever. Probably ever.

He includes me in his life; really includes me. Despite the 800 miles of distance between us, I feel closer to him than to anyone I've dated.

Being with him is easy, effortless. I'm included in his life to an extent I find somewhat astonishing, given my past relationships.

I know it sounds silly, but it's the small things that take me by surprise. He recently included me in one of the group emails (his social group is big on group emails to keep everyone in the loop) that was particularly funny, and seeing this, his brother-in-law includes me on the group emails about this winter's ski trip, as if there is no question that I'll be attending.

I don't know how to word this in ways that don't sound trivial or meaningless or strange.

I don't know if it matters that I can't. It's something indefinable.

lesson

I am slowly learning patience. This is not a lesson I enjoy; in fact it's something I wish I did not have to learn at all.

I waver back and forth - a year, or push it and try to do this faster. I know it will most likely end up being at least a year, but I really wish that wasn't the case. I've never been terribly good at simply waiting, and biding my time and knowing that something will come, something will happen. This is no exception.

Even when I push as hard as I can, he manages to bring me back of my own free will. I don't understand it, and it amazes me, to be honest. Not that it's not a good thing - just that it's unusual.

Oddly, I do not hate the work I do - I hate the work environment. If my department were to change, I would potentially even enjoy it. As it is, I am trying to make the best of a less than stellar situation, and work hard to be able to transfer to another department, and potentially kill two birds with one stone - transfer and relocate - new job, new state, same company. That, ultimately, would be ideal.

I have nothing new to discuss, even with myself. Life has blended itself back into grey and it's fine for the time being. I am neither miserable nor ecstatic. In some ways I am incredibly happy, in others I am so frustrated and unhappy that the dichotomy of feeling all of this at the same time is quite...unusual, I suppose. It wears me down, and I find myself tired more frequently than not, lately.

Such, I suppose, is the way of the beginning of mid-life. If you want to call the "venerable" age of 30 mid-life.

I really don't - I still feel like I'm in my adolescence.